Days of Gratitude - Joy In The Big Performance And The Big Composition

Five more days as the end of the year approaches.

These were excellent days, not to be spoiled by impending anxiety and panic.  The decision half made on one of these days is now fully made and I'm looking forward to indulging myself in the results of that.

Pressing on.  Life is good.  Sometimes autism and mental health combine to make it very difficult indeed.  But it's a wonderful life really and I plan to make it more wonderful in 2017.  This year I've made more discoveries about myself.  Pleasing discoveries.  Next year I will live them as fully as I can on each day.

Is that a brilliant plan?

6^th December

Grateful to see a certain friend for the first time in ages.

Also grateful for Snowdog memories and for them raising a quarter of a million pounds in the auction.

Blob and Winefride watched most of the auction online although Winefride did get bored near the end and wandered off.

7^th December

Grateful to learn friend will be returning very soon.

And grateful to have achieved choir in spite of major anxiety nearly scuppering the journey.

Our first little performance is on Saturday. It'll be great.

8^th December

Grateful for a decision more than half made to join the Lit & Phil and to spend time there next year writing in a pretty distraction free environment.

This may be my new second home, already home to books such as this.

9^th December

Amanda gave me a writing prompt a while back because I asked her for half a sentence. The prompt was this:

"He saw the Christmas lights had been up for months, and he thought to himself"

Grateful that I just finished writing the draft of a story from that prompt and I am shocked at how it managed to top 15,000 words.

Grateful to be writing and for my loose writing plans for next year and the fact that there is no pressure beyond writing because it's good for me, having as much fun with it as possible, and not worrying about where the process will take me.

A year ago I wouldn't have dreamed of writing as much as I've written this year and wouldn't have thought that 15,000 words could flow relatively easily.

I wonder whether they are any good!

10^th December

Grateful for an utterly awesome afternoon at the Bicycle Garden in Fenham.

I was there for a final quick rehearsal before performing with SHE Choir at the event there.

But there were also the joys of eating stunning homemade and garden cooked food, being with excellent people, and getting smoky from the fire.

An added unexpected extra: Making my first ever Christmas wreath. Several of us made a wreath, weaving our rings out of willow and adding all kinds of good things to them.

Very happy times.

Day Of Gratitude - The Writers' Cafe And A Whole Heap Of Honesty

I am proud of myself.

Because this was a very difficult day.  And yet I still managed to do some things and to do them well.  And even though it was so hard and my brain was not recovered I managed to do things the next day that surprised me and gave me real confidence boosts.  I was going to include all those good things in this post but they'll have to wait until the next post because this one came out differently to expectations.  I hadn't meant to write nearly 1000 words about a day.

Some days contain much that is dreadful.  But not all days.  And even the dreadful days contain much that is good and much to be grateful for - even past the mundane, taken for granted things like "I have a house, I have the ability to walk, I live in a country where I won't get thrown in prison for leaving my religion or for being queer, I have books, I have clothes, I am richer than most people on this planet, I have a ready supply of clean tap water."  Those are all big things and perhaps we all take them for granted too much because of their daily familiarity.

If I had focused differently and was part of the Sunday Assembly Honest Description Group then this difficult day would have read like this:

September 20th

I felt bad in the morning and due to sensory issues the journey into town was painful.  Nevertheless, I took part in the Writers' Cafe and am pleased with the results and was able to spend some time with people afterwards.  I am grateful for that and possibly came out with an idea that hasn't been written before.  By anyone.  Ever.  I didn't eat in the cafe with them though because I wasn't up to eating lunch just as I hadn't been able to eat any breakfast.  I was able to mask well through the morning and I am glad to have been able to do it but inside was hurting and being out in the street was too much, too loud, too bright, too smelly, too everything.  One of the bad days in which I have to work extra hard to get through.

Then I went to my electrolysis appointment.  Because of the extra sensory issues and because the anaesthetic cream was only applied 30 minutes before (as they recommend) rather than 50 minutes before (as I recommend) it hurt far more than usual.  Usually I find it very painful.  Today was excruciating as every nerve and every part of my brain was wired up for amplifying every input and giving it all to me at top volume.  Listening to distracting music and clutching a soft toy wasn't helping.

It's not just the pain.  It's the bright light shone at my face.  It's the sensation of being touched so much and in such a way.  The whole experience is awful for me even on the best of days when I manage to get through the appointment without collapse.

I struggled through the appointment determined to get through to the end.  I pressed my right hand into my left hand hard and as it got worse dug my nails in repeatedly.  As a result my left hand is bruised and has blood marks from my nails.  I tried so hard to get through my appointment.

I failed.  Instead my whole body went into some weird spasm.  The person doing the treatment asked if I wanted or needed to stop.  She's nice.  I wasn't able to speak but managed to nod.  So we stopped.  I couldn't speak.  I couldn't move my body.  She asked if I needed time.  I managed to nod again and she left me alone.

Slowly I was able to move again and managed to sit up.  I looked at my arm and wanted to cry.  I wanted to cry anyway because I hadn't managed to get through the appointment.  I tried to tell myself that I am not useless or a failure but at that moment my head wasn't accepting reason.  My face hurt.  But everything else hurt more.

I managed to get myself going and was able to leave the clinic.  I can't remember whether I made another appointment.  I will have to check that out.  It's a period of time my head is now choosing not to remember in detail because then it would take me back there in full technicolor glory and present the hyper-sensory medley to me once more.  Sometimes it's good to forget.

I was now on the street in central Newcastle.  I knew that I would be unable to get myself home.  In my current state it would be impossible.  I also knew that that street was too hard to deal with and that I needed a quieter place, close by, and somewhere familiar.  There may have been unfamiliar quiet places close by but at the top of the hill, maybe 100 metres away, there is Waterstones.  There are some comfy chairs in there, it's relatively quiet, and they don't play music at you.  Somehow I got there.

I found a chair.  Sat down.  And went more into shut down.  Unreactive.  Unresponsive.  I couldn't do a thing.  My brain continued to churn but I couldn't act.  But a comfy chair in Waterstones beats the noise of the city street.  It's a nice city.  I love it.  But not on this day.

My brain kept going and eventually I was able to come up with a solution and was able to put it into practice.  I texted Beth who would be finishing work at 4.30 and passing close by to Waterstones on her way home.  By that time it was nearly 4.30 anyway.  I wrote "in waterstones   come get".  And I waited.

She arrived and held me for a bit.  I couldn't speak.  She led the way and took me to buy food for dinner because I still hadn't managed to eat.  And then she took me to the bus stop because I couldn't manage the underground Metro platform even with help.  I was able to talk with her a little on the bus and even at the bus stop.  But not vocally.  I had to use a text to speech application on my phone.

So, some gratitude.

I am allowed to stop appointments early.  Nobody is mad with me.  With help - absolutely necessary help - I got home safely.  With help, with safety, I was able to speak again.  With help I was able to find food and find the encouragement to eat it.  Without that help I would have been at great risk.  I expect though that had I still been in Waterstones at closing time - if I hadn't been spotted sooner - someone would have helped me.  There would have been a solution found for me.  If I hadn't got to the shop and remained on the street I would have ended up at grave risk.  Grateful to have been able to get inside.


That's what I could have written.  Instead I wrote this short entry:

September 20^th


The second half of the day was awful. Some of the worst bits of being autistic. Pretty crap.

So. Focus on the morning.

Grateful for the Writers' Cafe. I wrote some words that may be worth playing with. A lot. And adding to and building on. A lot. This is a happy thing.

Days Of Gratitude - Street Logos, Memories, And Quiet Betwen Adventures

Yes, a few more days of being grateful.  The quiet days between Autscape and Greenbelt.  I am typing this from the home of my uncle and aunt in Wiltshire.  Life is slightly surreal right now and there are lots of things going on that we would rather not be going on.  I haven't made time to post on my blog in a while - and for quite a bit of the last few weeks I haven't had a WiFi connection or even an old fashioned modem.  Using my pay-as-you-go phone as an internet hotspot is something else that I'm grateful for but it does get expensive if you want to use the internet too much or play with photos.

Anyway.  Here are four days.

23^rd August

Grateful that although I forgot about electrolysis and shaved the previous day there was just enough hair length that I didn't waste an appointment.

 Grateful for a couple of friends to look after me through the appointment.

Grateful too for laughter with Kit in the evening.

24^th August

Grateful for books found in Oxfam.

In this house we like street logos and regularly take photos of them if we see them.

I confess that theopraxy is a new word for me. The book looks fascinating. God is the good we do.
Another non-theistic god version.

25^th August

Grateful today that I didn't have to go to hospital. I thought for a while I might have to. On a day of my head misbehaving and finding life very difficult indeed that kind of worry wasn't appreciated.

But grateful that hospital was avoided. Also grateful that if a hospital had been needed there would have been one available because no government has yet succeeded in destroying the NHS.

Grateful too for memories. Blob Thing has been blogging about a trip out in June and it gives me an excuse to see photos containing sunshine, sea and smiles.

26^th August

Grateful to have traveled to Manchester for a few days with Amanda.

We are going on an adventure.

Facebook has updated so I can't post photos. Stupid Facebook! Stupid software!  (but thanks to the wonders of blogging this weeks later here are a couple.  A street logo from Newcastle and a point-and-hope photo from the coach.)

Days of Gratitude - Going Over The Edge And Entering The Lost World With A Giraffe

There have been some hard days recently.  Days on which keeping this gratitude diary becomes very important to me.  Days on which it would be easy to feel miserable because it is so hard to continue.  Days on which every single thing is a fight inside on a scale of The Battle of Waterloo.  And the cannons sound just as loud.

These were such days.  Each of them was hard.

1st August - I couldn't leave the house and hid away for much of the day.  Having done so well when out for a few hours the day before I was still in recovery.  Some tears.  Physically shaking for quite a while.  Yes.  I could watch the shaking.  So much I wanted to do.  So little I could do.

2nd August - a really horrible time.  I did manage to buy some food ingredients but couldn't do food.  Yeah, I got through the electrolysis okay but it wiped me out completely.

3rd August - forcing myself out and getting overwhelmed, getting lost, getting more overwhelmed and spending quite a period walking alone outside unable to stop talking but only able to say "Carry the cat."  Getting dizzy and giddy and nearly falling down a steep hill away from any paths.

4th August - buying a ticket to Crawley and everything from last year coming flooding back, the pretty total collapse I had a year ago that meant I couldn't go there, the struggles earlier in the year when I was there including the hallucinations I suffered in the nights.  Heading to town to do one little job, getting there and being so overwhelmed and having sensory issues ramped up to twelve (it's one more than eleven) and having to leave, failing to do that job, getting even more overwhelmed in the street and bloody hell it was pretty damn shit!

During those days I could have given a lot more details about the things I just couldn't do.  Every single day is hard.  Every single day there are problems and I work extremely hard so that if I am with people outside of this house they don't know that anything is wrong.  I remember during my worst ever breakdown when I was self harming multiple times every day just to get through and stay alive, people would eventually find out - because I'd say - and they wouldn't have had a clue that I wasn't a happy little bunny bouncing away in the woods to a home filled with carrots.

But I don't write a "being unhappy and finding the difficulties" diary.  I write a gratitude diary.

And so the memories of all the dren fade away.  But the things for which I am grateful each day remain.  I can look back and smile.  And I can set the screensaver to show me all the gratitude posts or all the other wonderful things that I've done and seen in the last year or so.

The last year has had so many unexpected moments and themes and directions.  It's been amazing.  Bloody hard.  But amazing.

Here then are four days that I could choose to moan about but choose to celebrate.

1^st August

Hard day. Much physical shaking. Much mental dren. And no snazzy photos taken!

But I just blogged about why keeping a gratitude diary is important to me on every day, including the hard ones. So here goes:

Grateful for words. Grateful for writing blog posts. For the memories they bring back. For the humour that can go into them at times. For the seriousness too.

Grateful for puzzles, today in particular for the killer sudoku book that kept me company.

Grateful that even on a dren day I could still read some of a book. That's progress.

Grateful that a year ago I encountered a quote by Jim Palmer. Grateful for all those who have given me some strength on my journey out of soul destroying religion. The quote wasn't the one in this picture.

The picture asks questions. All my answers used to be no.

Grateful that I have a conference and a festival to look forward to this month.

Grateful to have started to rearrange the new art room into something more comfortable to sit in and where the table is closer to natural light.

Grateful that the state of my head today is just for today. Not for yesterday. Not for tomorrow. And certainly not forever.

And then there's this. It's a biggie:

Grateful that I have a piece of paper dated three years ago today. It's my deed poll certificate from when I changed my name legally to Clare.

Some days are bloody difficult. But life is amazingly better than it was three years ago. It's better than it was one year ago. And compared to just four months ago it's pretty damn stonkingly good.

Yep. That's enough thankfulness for a "bad" day. The actual lists we could all write if we were to stand back - in good mindful manner - and step out of our own dramas are very long ones.

2^nd August

Some things hurt. I struggle with electrolysis. Total meltdown would be easier than getting it done.

Grateful to have got it done yesterday and that, very slowly, it has the desired result.

Grateful for soft toy friends to help me through it and for peaceful music through my headphones.

This time, from a set of very ambient music that Moby released for free.

Grateful too for the Metro and for the difference public transport makes to my life.

Yesterday I travelled in carriage 4041 which is the first to be named after someone.

3^rd August

Grateful to have not stayed at home even though I wanted to. Managed a walk instead although my head was such that I got lost several times and my lack of balance today would have ended very badly had there not been a tree to fall into. Yay for trees.

But the walk contained some superb sights, only some of which were photographed - hey, an excuse to return.

One of these pictures is where I ate lunch. The other seemed a good place to stop for a drink and gaze down on what Blob decided was the Lost World.

Grateful too for the shop by Wilko's in Gateshead - six packets of Snowy Road treats for a Pound.

4^th August

Rough day. And I just bought a train ticket to Crawley. That would be a bad enough fate for anyone but I have extra motivation to dread being there.

Anyway. Grateful today that I just about avoided breaking down in town having already completely failed to do the one thing I had wanted to do. Avoidance was thanks to a newish charity shop. And thanks to Amanda and text messages too.

Happy purchases:

Love the art.

Love the most cuddly giraffe ever.

Love the book.

Days of Gratitude - Desolation, The Sunday Assembly, And A Touch of Skulduggery

I am typing this on August 1st.

It's been a rubbish day in my head.  I've done my best.  A Blob Thing post got written.  A Clare post got written.  Something got read.  Puzzles got solved.  Furniture was rearranged.  But it's been very difficult indeed.  Some days are like that.  Leaving the house was not an option today and for a while I was physically shaking.  Yeah, it's been bad.

And that's one of the reasons I keep this gratitude diary going.  It's one of the reasons why I have posted in it one 204 out of the first 213 days of the year.

Because on the crap days, on the days when it hurts even to budge off my bed, I can look back.  And see how good the good days can be.

Maybe today was so bad in in my head because of yesterday.  For Clare, I did amazingly well at the Sunday Assembly.  By Clare standards I was bloody brilliant at social and at dealing with it all.  Hey, I rocked!  But even on that good day it was hard and tiring and maybe it wiped me out more than I realised last night.  Or maybe today was just one of those things and the crap isn't related to yesterday at all.  Maybe.

And that's another reason why keeping this gratitude diary has been good for me.  Quite a number of the days have been difficult.  It's sodding hard to live them.  The best days are hard, but the difficult ones are sodding hard!  But the diary is a discipline.  I want to post things I am grateful for on every day if I can.  I've missed nine days.  But not because they were all bad.  Some of them were very good indeed.  To find the gratitude on the tough days is worthwhile.  Because then a day that I could just mark down as bad can be shown to not be all bad - and often can be shown to be pretty good apart from the sodding hard bits.

When the idea of a gratitude group was suggested by someone from the Sunday Assembly Newcastle I readily joined.  It's become important to me.  Even if I was described yesterday as the person who keeps the group going.  Sometimes it does rather feel like the Clare show with a few guest stars popping up.  I wonder, if the group ended, whether I would manage to keep up the diary on my own.  I hope so.

So here we are, it's August.  I have much to look forward to this month.  But it's got off to a very rocky psychological start.  Never mind.  The final three days of July contained a heck of a lot of awesomeness.

29^th July

Grateful to get out and have lunch with someone today.

Grateful for sunsets, this from my front door tonight.

Grateful to have finally started to read Desolation, by Derek Landy.

And grateful for what I coincidentally read on Facebook just before getting on a Metro and starting that book. Derek Landy announced that Skullduggery Pleasant and Valkyrie Cain will return. Isn't that exciting? A whole year of waiting, of anticipation. So awesome.

(Everyone should read Skulduggery. Everyone. Except the strong evangelical Christian I know who found the first book to be so evil that it became the only book she ever burned. Yes, it's THAT good. It's worthy of burning!)

30^th July

Grateful for the surprises on today's walk:

A deserted play area.

A graveyard. And a found accidental poem on a gravestone that may one day become a writing prompt.

Stepping stones. I got a bit happy flappy. Okay, a lot happy flappy.

Free strawberries, cream, shortbread and tea. And a quiz and some music too.

Also for trees.

And for the way a river changes so much in just a few miles.

And for this phone and its camera, bus routes, bus passes, and the book of stories bought in a charity shop.

Yes. It was a good day. The list of positives could get very long.

31^st July

Well this is an obvious one.

I am grateful for the Sunday Assembly.

Guess what Blob Thing will be blogging about in the near future.

I wrote this on my Facebook wall:

The Sunday Assembly was great today.

I wasn't overwhelmed. I could deal with it and actually talk with people and not rush off quite quickly afterwards. That's so much better than I've been in a long long time.

A wonderful talk about science and art.

A person talking about writing and that was an encouragement to plough on and get enthusiastic about writing for myself.

A person in amazingly cool clothes complimented me on my clothes.

 

A conversation about names and I said I had dreamed my own and they hadn't had a clue that I would ever have changed my name.

One of these days I'll get properly involved with the Sunday Assembly and do something useful rather than just drinking tea, eating cake, and occupying a chair. Perhaps it should be soon.

It is what it is. I think enthusiastic people will build it into something better. A true community rather than just a group of people meeting for an event sometimes - something most churches don't manage to become.

Maybe the Sunday Assembly in Newcastle can do church better than the church. I hope so.

Days of Gratitude - The Loss of Towels And The Gaining of Oceans

Here goes, some more days of gratitude to bring you to the 210th day of the year.  It's been a struggle sometimes but I've still only missed posting on nine days.  And I started two days early.  So that's 203 posts I've shared in this blog - plus another eight when I filled in all but one of the gaps.

I am pretty amazed to still be doing this.  My usual commitment and dedication and discipline doesn't often last this long.  I know full well that the diary has been good for me.  And seeing the posts from other people has been good for me too.  All hail the happy group of the Sunday Assembly Newcastle!

Five more days of gratitude.  And they begin right away with things going wrong!  We planned something.  And then got to where we were going and found we couldn't do it.  Then we remade the day and it was good.  A broken plan is not the breaking of a world.

24^th July

Grateful that when plans went wrong we remade them into something good.

25^th July

Grateful that my bed awaits me tonight. Lots of sleep would be appreciated!

Grateful that there is much living to be done now I am back in Newcastle.

Winefride enjoyed the journey back. She was excited to have the front seat on the coach.

26^th July

Grateful that most days I am not this tired. Grateful to have a bed and a sofa and easy access to luxuries like a kettle and tea.

And grateful that today Blob Thing went public with the news that he has a sister.

Here's his post: https://blobthing.blogspot.co.uk/2016/07/blob-thing-has-some-extremely-good-news.html

The picture was taken in the play area in Rhiwabon. It was Winefride's first adventure outside and she seemed to enjoy it a lot.

Later we went into Wrecsam and popped into the Catholic cathedral, a place I had to go to when preparing to be confirmed as a Catholic in 2005. It's fair to say that it felt very strange to be back.

27^th July

Grateful that on Monday, exactly two months after Towel Day, Amanda forgot her towel. A non-event in the history of home showering.

Image from http://arghink.com/…/wear-the-lilac-and-remember-your-towel/

Grateful for the place Douglas Adams has in my childhood.

And grateful that the forgetting of a towel, something solved with ease within a few seconds, inspired me to open up the word processor and write "She had forgotten her towel."

Yesterday I wrote some more and today I finished a draft version of a little story from that writing prompt. 3800 words. Even though the story had formed in my head on Monday, sometime during the coach ride home from Manchester. it took me by surprise.

Grateful to be allowing myself to write and that, whatever the results may be in the short and long term, I am finding joy in the writing.

28^th July

Grateful to have been mentally able to leave the house after two days closeted safely indoors.

Grateful that plans can change so many times before reaching a destination.

That destination surprised me by being Alnwick even though I had been on the Metro to North Shields.

Charity shops to visit, Barter Books to browse and decide there wasn't anything I wanted to buy, and a free freshly made waffle covered in lots of strawberries, banana and blueberries - free in exchange for filling in a two minute survey about a museum I will probably never visit.

Winefride thinks the books are about cookery.  I am not going to correct her error.  She doesn't need to know about these things at her age.

Then the sea called and so I spent an hour in Alnmouth too. I want to go back there for longer and my head is planning walks.

Blob Thing and Winefride had a great time!

Days of Gratitude - Cakes, Cream, Keys, Cafes, Characters and Concentration

Four more days of gratitude.  As I write this - four days before this gets published - I am up to date with these posts.  But have several walks, with lots of photos, to post about.  It's almost certain that by the time I get through those I'll have sidetracked myself into other things.  And I need to get down to writing too and to sit down and make some kind of art and start to learn to draw.  I have the pencils.  I have the sketchpads.  I have a couple of excellent books on drawing, starting from the most basic things such as getting to know what it feels like in the hand to draw a line on a page.

These days have seen a turn.  For the first two, my mental health was quite low.  On both I cried quite a bit at times.  On the second I managed to get out and sing in the evening.  That's something that can be joyful for me.  But I was getting into big meltdown inside and knew I had to leave before it all spilled out and got messy.  Not good.  But yesterday was better and that's carried on into today.

St. Mary's Island, from the cliff tops to the north.

11^th May

Grateful for pie and cake from Whitley Bay. There is much more to eat later. Gluttony. And for the liquorice shop too.

And to have seen the sea again, wandering to the north of the lighthouse with B this time.

Also grateful that last night A and I learned how to strike-through, bold and italic on WhatsApp. Little pleasures!

12^th May

Grateful to have survived the day. Very tough inside.

And that instead of shutting down in town I was able to enjoy a smoothie in a quietish place.

Super Natural Cafe, Newcastle

Anaesthetic cream - but it's still painful.

 13^th May

Grateful that my head is a lot better. A big relief.

Grateful to get through electrolysis without melting, for pretty arcades and a building based on the science of a bubble.

Grateful for the mental energy to read something - the start of a YA novel by this author.  It's "On the Edge of Gone" by Corinne Duyvis.  I'm terrible at reading books at the moment due to my mental health but I've begun this one and so far it's very good and I think I'm going to enjoy the autistic main character.  She looks to be a character rather than a stereotype.

Apparently the only building in the world based on bubble science.

Author's note in the book I've started

14^th May

Grateful that these two items are now in my possession.

One contains 7 each of 63 types of puzzle.

The other replaces an identical one I gave away a while back to someone who needed it more than me. Glad to have another.

Ah, puzzles.  I've heard of Gareth Moore before because he runs the website puzzlemix.com.  For two periods of a year I've subscribed to his site and enjoyed the puzzles there - four puzzles a day, every day, instead of one free puzzle every other day.  The easiest take 30 seconds, the hardest take over 30 minutes.  I keep pondering subscribing for the third year but maybe I should be finding other things to do with my days than adding more to the puzzles I already have to solve at Nikoli, a Kenken site and the Guardian crosswords online before I even open one of the too many puzzle books I still own.

Concentration is an interesting thing.  I have been lacking the concentration to read books.  But mostly I can still concentrate to solve puzzles - and on puzzlemix I would quite often post the fastest time, as seen in a couple of photos in other gratitude blog posts.