The Wonderful Wizard of Oz - Self-Redemption and Art

The Wonderful Wizard Of Oz

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The Flying Monkeys Of Oz

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The Magic Art of The Great Humbug

A few days ago I attended an art and writing workshop at Broadacre House in Newcastle run by Launchpad.  The subject of the workshop was stigma.  The day was very good.  Lovely people.  Lovely conversation.  And we all enjoyed ourselves.  After some exercises to get our creative brains working we were told to write something about stigma with a view to creating a piece of art related to the subject by the end of the four hour session.



We were given a whole twenty minutes to write.  Later in the day our writings were taken and typed up.  I wish I'd proof read the typing on the day.  There are mistakes in it.  That's a shame because all of our writing and art from the day is going on public display in two locations through mental health week.  I may have to go along on the first day with Tippex and a pen!

Twenty minutes.  I spent the first five of these minutes boiling a kettle and making a much needed mug of spiced tea.  So fifteen minutes.  Here's the result.  I finished before the fifteen minutes were up too!

Self Redeeemed

Don't speak to me and I won't speak to you.

Won't mention it, imply it, talk it out.

It's a private thing you say, too much for you.

“Why don't I just stop?” you say.

“Stop being autistic, difficult, so bloody selfish.

Snap out of depression you ungrateful bastard.

And if you mention a personality disorder again?”

But I didn't mention it. You did.

And yet, the biggest stigma was in my own head.

Autism? No way. Can't be true. I'm not one of them.

Not shut in. Not melting in the street.

Not much anyway.

Not some mono-focussing idiot savant,

The local Rain Main equivalent,

Or as socially inept as a Sheldon.

BPD? No way. Can't be true. I'm not one of them.

It's just wrong, like all the other diagnoses were wrong.

I'm not like that.

And they only ever said I was because of the cuts.

It's bull. Stupid psychiatrists.

BPD? Nonsense. Just like the rest.

I'm not bipolar, schizoid, schizotypal, schizophrenic. Or any of them.

Yeah, I received stigma. Internalised it. Just another reason for self hate, calling myself a monster.

Couldn't accept the truths because I was raised proud, raised pure, raise to not be disordered.

No ASD or BPD. No Ds at all. Or they'll see me for what I am and hate me just like I deserve.

Freedom is worth fighting for.

Coming back to what I thought false myths and accepting the facts. Facing down the myths I believed and rejecting them.

And now?

ASD, BPD – and my queerness, my irreligion. So what? Inside I will broach no stigma.

I will stand. Out and proud. Out. Public. Self-accepting. Self-believing. Under no illusions.

No. Less illusions. There are still stories I tell.

Lies I kid myself with. Lies of the old monster kind.

Lies. Stories.

Can't write. Can't sing again. Can't hope.

Lies. Stories.

And they will fall too.

Now is the time to live. Free. Self-redeemed.

No matter what they say.

And they do say.

But less than I ever believed they would.

I believed they would damn me.

Because I stigmatised myself more than the so-called society ever could.

I am out and proud.

Free and self-redeemed.

Then it was time to do some art.  I can panic at art.  Panic at paint.  To be given paper or canvas and some paint and be told to create something is a thing of dread for me.  And yet.  I made something.  We all did.  Each piece arising from the honesty of our own situations and experiences.

The words in the red sections represent words that have spoken to me.  The words in that strange looking face are questions I've asked and stories I've told myself.  The words round that face are positivity.  In the midst of all the rest I am determined that those words are part of my truth.

It's not an artistic masterpiece.  But it's mine.  And I'm proud to have done something without guidance, without help, and without having a meltdown.  That's a joy for me.  Seeing the work and hearing the words of the other people in the workshop was also a joy.

As for that exercise to get our brains loosened up.  We were given a sentence to free write from.  As it turned out we were given just enough time for me to fill a page.  What we came up with was great, each person happening to go in a completely different direction.  Here's my direction.

Reluctantly, he handed over the key.

She looked at him in horror.
"C sharp major? You've got to be kidding me.  I can't play that."
"Well that's going to be a problem, isn't it missy?  I've paid for you to play and you're going to play.  Don't think I won't report you if you play it wrong."

Life as a music slave was not the worst way to survive in the new world.  At least there was food.  At least there was the transfixing joy of playing from your own soul when you weren't working.  Kate wondered.  Was this difficult, angry customer really a music expert from the old world?  Or was he just being harsh out of cruelty?

She decided to risk finding out, risk playing in a way she knew her rendition of the piece would be perfect.  Kate liked playing Bach, even with difficult intervals.  But even the master himself would never have chosen a key with seven sharps.  Kate wondered what he would think if he knew his music was being played by slaves on another world, what kind of sonata or cantata that knowledge would inspire.

She decided.  The risk was worth it.  Even if discovered the punishment wouldn't be much worse than that for playing badly.  The thought of being separated from her precious piano for a day, a week, longer, was almost unbearable.

Kate looked at the man.  He was sweating in anticipation of hearing.  He looked more a fool than a musician.

C sharp major.  No thanks.  Kate knew she would be playing the Goldberg Variations in C.  Just a semitone out.  And no sharps.  He wouldn't notice would he?

She placed her fingers on the keys, took a deep breath and began her performance.

The Saint Of Oz - Thomas, Apostle of Doubt

The Surprise Doubting Saint Of Oz

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The Tin Man Of Oz

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The Field Of Poppies Of Oz

Saint Thomas, Apostle of Doubt

John 20:29

Jesus said to him, Thomas, because you have seen me, you have believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.

Matthew 13:16

Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.

I did not expect to meet an apostle on the road to the Emerald City. Yet he was there. We walked and talked. A secret passage behind the gods of a shrine in India had led him to Oz.

From grey half-born light

Thomas approached. His face worn

of anxious wrinkles.

Seeing me, he smiled.

Held out his hands in welcome. Said

“Come, Wander with me.”

He showed stark wisdom.

Taught the virtue inherent

In my doubt wrecked life.

Thomas, the despised.

Through a thousand stern sermons

Stoned for his thinking.

But Jesus blessed him

Just as much as men of faith

Who fail to question.

Pronounced salvation

On evidence and emptiness.

Valued the contrasts.

I learned to lose guilt.

Let go the religious critic.

Accept my well-lived way.

Then he turned to leave,

His weight held by trusted staff.

He did not look back.

Consider this: What if the sermons are wrong? What if Jesus was congratulating Thomas for wanting evidence? What if he was pronouncing that faith has to be intelligent and can't be based on nothing – not even a well loved book or its social acceptability.

What if Jesus said, “Well done. You've tested to see whether something is true rather than turning your brain off and being a dumb slave to a Gospel message.”

What if the blessing he gave to those with that unseeing faith arose from his toleration and acceptance of all?

What if he said, “Your faith is a bit silly but I walk the way of love so bless you anyway?”

What if Jesus doesn't want anyone to take statements, especially religious ones at face value?

What if he wants us to test everything in the book about him? Through science. Through history. Through the evidence of our own lives. Through plain common sense.

What if he wants us to let go of everything in our lives, religious or otherwise, that doesn't make sense?

What if Jesus wasn't bearing with the weakness of Thomas but the weakness of his other followers?

I too taught that Thomas was a doubter. I preached it.

But he is not a doubter. He's a questioner. And questioning faith, assumptions, the media, politics, motives, our own souls, and the whole of life is a good thing.

Plato said that the unexamined life is not worth living.

What if Jesus pointed to Thomas and said, “Look, here is an example of the examined life. Follow this example.”

What if the churches got it all wrong? What if the New Testament writers got it all backwards too in the very worship of Jesus rather than the greater light he pointed to?

These are just questions. Do with them what you will.

Embrace me. Condemn my heresy.

I don't mind.

But will you walk with me on the yellow brick road of the examined life and on a road where evidence leads to the risk of rejecting many things we would love to believe in?

I took the risks. Life is now harder. Far less certain. But it is more worthwhile.

Following The Yellow Brick Road - An Art Project

Welcome, welcome.

I am the wizard.  I am the witch.  I am Dorothy too.  Welcome to my world, to my crazy meandering yellow brick road through a land not unlike the land of Oz.

I should explain.

Some of you will have found this page by chance.  Some through links I'll have placed on social media.  And some of you, all being well, will have taken a piece of paper from a box in an exhibition and typed in a web address.  Hey presto, through the hokum of magic you are all here.

This page and those that follow arose from an art project undertaken at the Recovery College Collective in Newcastle, an amazing place for people attempting to recover from all kinds of different mental health problem.  I am one of those in recovery.

The idea was simple.  Take a box.  Take a fairy tale.  Transform the box into that tale, or at least into a version of the tale that reflects the teller's life and journey and message.

A simple idea.  But I'm not great at practical arts.  I can't draw and I'm not ever going to be the world's foremost expert at making things or at producing visual wonderments.  I'm neither going to create the reality or the sham of an Emerald City.  I'm also not great at fairy tales.  I spent weeks trying to decide which one fitted my life the best.  Difficult when I didn't grow up among such tales.  I grew up with Asimov, Bradbury, and lots of other sci-fi and fantasy writers.  I didn't spend my time with Grimm or Anderson or the other workers of fairy stories.  Eventually I decided in a moment of jest that I could focus on The Wonderful Wizard of Oz and all the ways I looked outside for answers that could only be found inside.

The box is made.  The box is, or will be, presented at an exhibition alongside boxes made by other participants in the course.  There may be dancing too.

I realised early on that I am far better at building with words than with crafting materials.  So I began to write.  The pages that follow are the result of my writing about different parts of my journey along the yellow brick road towards some kind of freedom in myself.

I hope you find some enjoyment in it all.  Or some challenge.

Come, walk with me on the Yellow Brick Road.  Let's go and see the Wizard together and see what he can do for us.  Let the journey begin.  We'll be following the movie closer than the book.

Before you start the journey I'd like to invite you to take a look, or another look, at the decorated box.  You can find descriptions and photos of box underneath this link.




Each chapter can be found by clicking on the title.  Each chapter will contain a link back to this page, to the previous chapter and the following chapter.

Contents

Kansas.  Before The Cyclone

The Cyclone

The Wicked Witch

The Scarecrow

The Cowardly Lion

The Tin Man

Saint Thomas, Apostle of Doubt

The Field Of Poppies

The Emerald City

The Flying Monkeys

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

The Magic Art of The Great Humbug

The Tin Man Of Oz - How Too Much Heart Brings Disorder

The Tin Man Of Oz

This page is part of a project arising from a course at ReCoCo.

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The Cowardly Lion Of Oz

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The Saint Of Oz

Well here's something I'm having to deal with.  At this point it's not a medically re-diagnosed certainty.  At this point it's only a high probability.  It's not something I want.  On the contrary, I don't want it in the slightest.  I wish it not to be true.  The Wizard can wave his wand and it can be taken away from me.

But life doesn't work like that.  Dealing with this isn't about magic wands.  It's not about some miracle tablet provided by a psychiatrist.  It's not even about a dietary change or making a simple lifestyle change.  Dealing with this is going to be a lot of hard work.

So here it is.  Here's a truth about me.  The shrinks told me about this many years ago but I didn't listen.  On balance, not listening was a fair tactic because the shrinks often got it wrong.  They got this one right though.  Unfortunately.

And now, only now, am I looking at it honestly, accepting it, and asking the question, "What can I do about it?"

I wrote these words a week ago in a spare few minutes during a day with the autistic theatre company.  They began in haiku syllable form but by the end my fives and sevens were more sixes and eights.

It's not that I don't have a heart.  It's that I have what feels like too much of one.  And I've never learned to deal with that.  Innate emotional sensitivity combined with my childhood.

This is the result.  This is my confession.

Between love and hate,
Despair and terror chain me
On the borderline.

Each moment.  Tick.  Tock.
Tick.  Hold me close.  This second.
Tock.  Just walk away.

They told me the truth.
And I, misunderstanding,
Refused to listen.

Couldn't be bound by
Words. Just diagnostic labels
And accusations.

Forced to look again:
Six tests, expert testimonies.
I have BPD.

Crying on the edge.
Stuck between black neurosis and
Darker psychoses.

In voices, visions,
Infernal cyanide thoughts.
Abandonment screams.

In hard word and deed
I believe you'll stay, you'll go.
Cling.  Push you away.

There's hope.  Not CBT,
But DBT for BPD,
Tackling my anguish.

A slow, bright mountain;
A difficult salvation,
Healing to strive for.

I'll do this.  No choices.
Can't go on the way I am.
Not quite knowing me.

I have BPD.
No, that's not a death sentence.
It's a new beginning.

The Scarecrow of Oz - Or The Validation And Acceptance Of The Child

The Scarecrow Of Oz

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The Wicked Witch Of Oz

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The Cowardly Lion Of Oz

I always knew I had a brain. Sometimes this led to arrogance. A feeling of smug superiority that my intellect was amazing.

Sometimes. But I knew it was wasted too.

They taught me at school to waste my brain. They taught me that my academic abilities were a burden to others. Over and over they told me not to shine. To be only quite clever.

They held me back. I was forced to push myself beyond the boundaries they set me. They didn't appreciate that. And if I happened to make an error in that wide wonder space beyond they slapped me back with full force.

They slapped me so much that I accepted their ways. I did only what was necessary to pass the exams they set. Nothing more. Because I knew they didn't want more. Most of them anyway.

As an adult I've been frustrated by this. Once you've intentionally switched much of your brain off and done your best to kill it it's very difficult to switch it on again. I still haven't succeeded and it's painful that my brain cannot do the things that it can do.

I think this was one of the factors in developing mental health problems as a child. It was a part of my crushing, my annihilation at the hands of the world. Just one part of having to be someone else and reject me.  How's that for an over-dramatic paragraph?!

You're right of course.  It is.  Yet it looks more and more like I have a disorder that comes about often through a combination of having a biologically based emotional sensitivity with growing up in an invalidating environment.  It wasn't that I had bad parents.  There was just invalidation based around that innate sensitivity, around my academic ability, around gender and probably around much more.  My parents did their best of course.  They weren't abusing me or anything like that.  Nevertheless the invalidation was there and it contributed to problems I now have and certain problems that I'm only just accepting I have.  More of that in a later post.

My functional brain – that just so happened to function well in the particular direction that can pass exams and sail through IQ tests – became dysfunctional.

The message here is not just to let clever children be clever to their full potential.  IQ and academia aren't the points here.  They don't make you into a superior person except in the world of IQ and academia, which we all know isn't the be all and end all of life.  Recently I've been working on a project with some learning disabled adults.  Great people.  Who just happen to have learning disabilities of various kinds.  The message here relates to them just as much as it might relate to me.

It's to let children be their own wondrous selves to their full potential. To encourage them in selfness.

The Bible says to “raise up a child in the way they should go.” Christians and Bible translations have so often got this wrong. They try to force a way upon the child – that the child should be a Christian too. That's the opposite of what the proverb says. The Hebrew is more concerned with “raise up a child in accordance with the pattern of their own character and attributes.”

That is, whoever the child is, encourage them – as long as love governs the encouragement and the child's actions.

It's not forcing our own hopes and aspirations on our children.

It's not imposing a religion or a dogma or a way of being and saying that they are doomed outside that imposition.

It's not telling a very, very clever child to be only a little above average.

It's not telling a child who may not have such academic ability or who can't ace IQ tests that they are anything less than wonderful for not passing every exam.

It's embracing the child when they dream, when they develop interests, when they turn out to be autistic or neurodivergent in other ways.

It's not pushing the child into dreams, failed or otherwise, that belong only to their parents or guardians.

It's loving the child for the child. Not for who you want the child to be.

It's asking a child who they are.  And being excited when they tell you and show you, for their sake.

That's a path to a healthier brain, to happier children and adults.

That's a path I could never grant myself – let alone anyone else for I too was a hell believer and thought that outside of my own path there was only damnation.

And then, turning from the sky wizard of lightning flashes and spectacular show, I met the Oz wizard within. The ordinary person. Just me.

I said, “I have a brain. It's damaged in too many ways. Each week I want to hurt myself. Each month I fall apart. Each year I plan my suicide. Each day I want to give up. O wizard, grant me a new brain.”

The wizard spoke.

“You have the power to grant yourself a new brain. Though you may take a dozen helpful medications and see a thousand tremendous therapists, in the end only you can do it.”

The wizard spoke.

“Heal yourself. At your core you are already healed. Let that knowledge permeate your consciousness.”

Four years have passed.

I am still healing. Still finding out what my brain could be. Still learning each day and falling often. Still taking those medications.  I have a long way to go and yes, if a therapist can help I'll happily accept their intervention.

Looking to the sky god or the earth god for healing and succour is easier. But it's passing the buck and doesn't really wash away the brokenness.

Accepting the responsibility to heal yourself is far more difficult. It's a treacherous mountain route with loose rocks on every corner and more monsters and faeries than we could have possibly imagined.

It's the hard road. But it's the better road.

I choose to walk it.

Will you walk the yellow brick road of self healing with me?

The Magic Art of The Great Humbug

The Magic Art of The Great Humbug

This page is still to be written please choose another

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The Wonderful Wizard Of Oz

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Final Words

Text

The Field of Poppies Of Oz

The Field Of Poppies Of Oz

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The Saint Of Oz

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The Emerald City Of Oz

The Field of Poppies

I want to sleep. Forever.

I want to lie down. Never wake again.

I want to take a blade to my skin, swallow the packets of pills by my bed.

I want to stand on a ledge, a cliff top, or look down at the river from Redheugh Bridge.

I want to jump. Fall. End.

I want to find a blessed, welcome relief from the fight.

I want to find freedom from the way my brain, my mind rebels against all that could be called happiness or contentment.

I want to scream as the old panic rises up again.

I want to give in to the darkness.

I want to let go, succumb to the poppy field and smile beatifically as the witch of mental illness laughs at her victory.

Today. Now.

I want to die.

I don't want to be told it will all be okay.

I don't want to be given a hand to rescue me. Not this time.

I want to die. Please. Oh God, please. Why not?

I want to step off that edge. Enough is enough. Surely it's enough. Haven't I struggled for long enough? I'm forty-six now. So many years of fighting, fighting. Each day. Often each hour.

Isn't it time for me to die? That's what I want.

Death, take me.

But death refuses.

I claim my heart again, my brain, my courage. I claim the possibilities of smiles. Of love. Of change.

I claim my future and proclaim that it will be better than my past.

I want to die. I choose life.

I want fresh rain. And I believe it will come.

This world has not finished with me. And I have not finished with this world.

There will be no suicide today, no fresh wound from the blade's invitation.

Somehow I will survive.

Somehow I will triumph.

The Cowardly Lion of Oz - Learning The Courage To Be Yourself

The Cowardly Lion Of Oz

This post is part of the results of a course taken at The Recovery College
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The Tin Man Of Oz

The Cowardly Lion

Bravado living:

Put 'em up. Put 'em up. You

Stay away from me.

I couldn't let people get too close.

They might have discovered me. Ripped of the masks I wore and found a creature I believed deformed, despicable. I couldn't bear that they might learn that my exterior manner of the mild mannered preacher, the smiles and a way with words that led some to wish I was ordained, hid a soul whose pain could not be alleviated through the platitudes and fine words of the Jesus he preached.

I couldn't let them get too close.

They might have forced me to discover myself.

They might have forced me to face all that I feared about myself. All that I had been taught to loathe.

So, apart from a rare few, I kept them away. I preached peace, a sound mind. And self harmed three times to get myself through the service. I spoke of God's love. And spent my days hiding the hate I thrust upon myself.

As a preacher I looked to the wizard in the sky to transform me. From sinful creature to child of light. From a man of unclean thoughts to one whose whole life was wrapped up in God.

It was only when I began to look away from the sky wizard that the transformation began.

Jesus said the kingdom of God is within, Christ is within, the very core of life and being is within.

I looked within.

The wizard waited there.

Hidden. Buried. Cast into the deepest oubliette. A forgotten prisoner.

I looked harder. Heard her screams and released her.

She said to me, “I do not grant you courage. You have it already. It took courage to look within for strength and answers. You, child of god-light, you are courage.”

I accepted her word.

I accepted the woman I already was.

I accepted what I'd been told for years, that I am autistic.

I accepted that I am a creative.

I accepted spiritual possibilities and in so doing walked away from the faith path that had been my meaning.

Every day is astonishingly difficult. Autism and my mental health conditions combine. Every day they present me with an almost impenetrable barrier. Every single day.

I am tempted to faint. Tempted to give up the yellow brick road to my own promised land, the emerald city where all dreams are possible and where life, love, and fullness of being are celebrated and experienced.

Sometimes I succumb to temptation. In despair I weep.

Healing and anointed wisdom are not grasped in a day. Perhaps that would be too easy. Perhaps we need to learn through failure and struggle just how beautiful we are.

And I forget. Often I forget. Though the goddess within spoke “You are courage,” I forget.

Often I still live in fear. And sometimes I give in to it.

Often I live in anxiety and panic too. That's part of the nature of mental health conditions that I still bear.

One day I will be the restored lion. I will cease to say “Put 'em up.” Instead I will say to all, “You are welcome in this place. Come, let's celebrate our inner god kingdoms together. Come, I am willing to give you space to discover your own inner god and the passion that will lead you to your fullest life.”

One day this cowardly lion will roar so loud that the world will see her, rejoice, and learn to roar too. One day this cowardly lion will show others that there is a water of life that will slay all the wicked witches we needlessly carry.

Is this bravery? Or is this revelry in ecstasy?

It doesn't matter.

Come, walk the yellow brick road of inner courage with me.

Look inside to the darkness and the light. Accept it all. Especially that which you call shadow.

Look inside and in the core of your being I promise you this:

You too are courage.

The Magician, Her Hat, Tea Leaves, And The Shadow of Byker Wall

A post about the reading of tea leaves.  This is the fourth and final post of short pieces that were written in Writers' Cafe sessions this week.

Personally I don't believe in the power of the tea.  I believe in the power of the reader of the tea.  Not to read the tea of course.  But to see into a situation and form ideas and pictures based on that situation and upon human psychological skills to instinctively see or cognitively analyse and comment based on what's in a person's head rather than what's left in their tea cup.  I believe the same about other methods of divination and analysis too, from palmistry to tarot to numerology and the roll of dice.  Feel free to disagree and ascribe power to lines and cards and leaves or to a mystical, prophetic guide who places the leaves and cards in the right order for a situation.

I've been to a place sometimes and we've drawn cards to represent our lives.  Everyone goes "Wow!" at the interpretations given.  The next week we're there again.  We draw different cards.  Everyone goes "Wow!" again.

Have all of our lives changed so drastically in the course of a week?  I don't think so.

Divination, I believe, teaches us of ourselves.  It can be useful - or it can be dangerous.  Sometimes it's just a bit of fun.  And on occasion, a rarity, it can be a writing prompt.

So it was at the Writers' Cafe.  Each of us had our tea leaves read.  With mint tea because the leaves were more varied than those of the tea tea in the cafe.  The woman who runs the group read us.

Here's my cup.  I ask you.  What do you see?  A friend just saw a cup that needed cleaning.  Another friend saw Jesus - but she is a Carmelite lay sister so she sees Jesus in many things.

Our group leader saw a magician with a wand.  She decided that the magician had lost her hat.  She said other things too but as a writing prompt the magician appealed.  Can you see too?

Here's the writing, the same words as were freely written in not many minutes at the end of our session.  I gave myself a D minus for it.  People seemed to like it though.  That, I suppose, is magic.

Byker, for those who don't know, is a district in Newcastle Upon Tyne.  A children's programme was set there but not filmed there.

Byker has a wall.  The wall contains 620 flats and homes and encloses the Byker Wall estate.  The whole place is architecturally famous and is now Grade II listed.  Fame doesn't imply beauty of course.  Some very ugly places are listed.

Some will speak of the estate in terms that say "Abandon hope all ye who enter" and imply that just walking into that estate will lead to a consequence somewhere between losing your possessions and losing your life.  Others speak of the estate in terms that say "I really like it here.  There's an amazing community and loads of artists."  I find I have friends there.  It's not a rich estate.  The millionaires live in other parts of the city.  And it's had its problems.  Every impoverished city estate does.  We were told when moving to the city, "Don't, whatever you do, move to Byker."  We were taught to fear a dangerous ghetto behind the Wall.  It must be admitted that crime levels in Byker are higher than those where I currently live.  The crime map for that area has more than twice as many reported crimes as the map for this area.  But most people of course are just getting on with their lives.  And there are loads of good people in the area too.  Yes, including artists.  Including friends.

It took me six years to enter the estate.  And at that moment I fell in love.

The magician lost her hat.
But somewhere, under the shadow of Byker Wall,
Her magic will be returned to her.
In the Wall is life.  In the wall is death.
In the Wall the elemental gods play together.

Under green wood and rainbow rooftops,
Among addictions and artists,
Within the underclass and dispossessed -
The purest of humanity.
Above Tyne waters returning to ocean,
Full-felt, full-flung source of Poseidon's blessings.

Through sacred seclusion, close community,
The magician will not find her old hat.
But she'll weave, spin, breathe a hat
Fine enough that the original may be gladly forgotten.

Replaced, reborn under Byker Wall,
The magician will learn to speak.
In the new beginning was her Word.

Living Under The Wisdom Of Guru. All Praise To Guru.

This is the third of four pieces written in writers' groups this week.  Most weeks during school terms the Writers' Cafe meets on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings.  If you're in Newcastle Upon Tyne look it up and come write with us.  All are welcome.

The prompt given for this related to the origin stories of different types of tea.  But we were allowed to write about our favourite drink if we weren't so keen on tea.  We were also allowed to be very liberal with the truth - origin stories being, after all is said and done, just stories.

What follows is what I wrote.  Free written.  With only one word crossed out on my page.  I haven't changed a thing when typing it up except to alter the spelling of the drink.  Adding an "h" somehow made it seem more spiritually appropriate.

The drink in this picture was real.  An actual product.  Sold as seen.  And blessed by a priest.  It's not the drink in the story.  I was thinking of quite a few spiritual leaders, scams, and odd beliefs while writing including some products and people that friends of mine believe in and continue with undented belief even when contrary and sometimes conclusive evidence is given that the products don't work or the people are liars.  The story uses the word "manifested."  As I wrote that the image of Sai Baba came to mind.  He's faked a lot of miracles through basic conjuring skills.  That's been proved - and the evidence for his paedophilia is pretty damning too.  But people still believe.  Just as in this story.  I thought of Millerites and Jehovah's Witnesses and other groups whose followers continue to follow even when the prophecies and "clear word of Scripture" goes wrong.  I thought of spurious health claims and how we need to be a lot more careful with who and what we grant the assent of faith to.  I did a lot of thinking in that ten, possibly fifteen minute writing period.

Guru was wise.  Guru was just.

Guru could read your soul and work miracles.

Guru manifested gold dust and once caused the tigers to roar and retreat.

Guru convinced me in his smile, in the way he opened Scriptures.  Or left them closed.  His words were as much life as anything from Vedas or Christ.

So I moved to guru's commune, gave up my life of chasing the world.  I lived alongside Guru.  Or at least in the same town.  I was hardly worthy to walk in his divine light footsteps.

Guru's blessing was sold to the world.  We all knew the story.  How as as child he had discovered his holy well, deep in the tunnel beneath his bed.  Guru was guided by Lord Krishna himself to dig through his floor and the spirit of Lao Tzu lit his way; showed direction through the antediluvian passages to the spring.

Guru was enlightened in the drinking.  God granted him a special gift.  Later, Gautama led him in his earthly mission.  To bring not only the word of spirit but the liquid nectar of spirit to all who would hear.

And so, three years before I followed him into the communal seclusion, Guru revealed Kalamah to the world.  Drink each day and it would help purify you.  Body.  Mind.  Soul.  Spirit.  It would detox you.  And who knows?  Perhaps, were it in the beneficent timing of God, you too would be enlightened.  Just like Guru.

But Kalamah flowed from a single spring.  It was scarce.  It was costly.

In the commune we drank for free.  One sip a day.  And we praised Guru.  Bowed to him.  Our hope.

What remained was bottled.  Sold.  For a price befitting a product of such eternal value.

After five years in Guru's commune I advanced and was accepted into the inner sanctum.  Into Guru's confidence.  It was there I learned the secret of Kalamah.  At last, Guru led me to the spring, the source of Kalamah.

I learned this:  There was no spring.  All there was were cartons of pear juice, bright red food colouring, and tinctures of liquorice and rosemary.

Initially I was disappointed.  Until Guru showed me how God led him to sell Kalamah for the greater spiritual good.  Guru showed me how precious his blessing was.

He was Guru.  He was enlightened.  How could I not believe?

All praise the wisdom of Guru.  All drink from the spring.  Find enlightenment.

Guru's blessing is the Light of the World.

The Remains of the Life. Mister Cohen's Attic

This is the second of four short pieces written quickly in writers' groups this week.  This one finished in a completely different place than I thought it would.  It was all going so well.  Until that sudden change of direction that took it into a place I didn't particularly want to be.  You will see what I mean.

The line structure is as it is for one reason only:  I was writing on the right-hand third of a sheet of paper having filled the left-hand two thirds with the poem I posted yesterday.

Tomorrow I'll post the first of two pieces from the writers' group the following day.  The prompt given for that related to the origin stories of different types of tea.  I didn't stay within that box.  At the Writers' Cafe we're very good at leaving boxes behind and just seeing where the words carry us.  Every time there's something produced that leaves me in awe.

After the auction of the house
Of the late Mister Cohen
I found his forgotten family waste
In the loft of my new home.

Three torn cookery books.
A broken framed, scratched photo
Portrait of an unknown soldier.
Worthless antiques.
A pair of porcelain potties.
Souvenirs of holidays in Taunton.
Silver plate spoons.  Half a set.
Tarnished beyond hope.
Moth-eaten wedding dress,
Once white, once born of love.

He left me newspapers:
Bundled.  1960s Daily Mails.
A Victorian taxidermy display
Of birds.  Decayed, under broken glass.

And in the locked chest
I had to break, forced by chisel
I found my prize.

Coins.  Stamps.
And a collection of Herr Cohen's love letters.
Each one from the Fuhrer himself.
Each one sealed with his kiss.

The Came From Darkness - Creatures In The Attic

I've enjoyed being with creative people in different groups this week.  On both Tuesday and Wednesday morning I was able to attend The Writers' Cafe.  Both occasions were a joy.  It's great to meet with the people there; to chat and to write.  It's great to be among people who are enthusiastic for the process of writing and who encourage each other in that process.  It's great to get feedback.  And it's great to hear the wide range of work we come up with, quickly written, from the various writing prompts.

Each session is themed and during our time together we will write from one or two prompts.  This week has given me four short pieces of writing.  Today I'm going to post the first of these.  Our topic was attics.  This remained the theme for the second piece.  I have homework to write about a cellar and a discovered place.  My confession is that I haven't done my homework yet even though the idea for what I will writer was already there in my head on Tuesday in the group.

Today I've spent the day with my little autistic theatre group.  Those people are great.  The radio play I've written there is complete with the exception of sorting out the files for sound effects and background music.  I've found it all but haven't been disciplined enough to download and convert it all.  Some more homework.

Here then is the first little piece from The Writers' Cafe this week.  In many ways it's the weakest of the four.  It needs more detail and perhaps one day it'll get it.  For now though here are the words, as free written in the session.  They're in 5-7-5 syllable structure, like haiku but not true traditional haiku themes or image structure.

Image from here.

They came from darkness.

Grinning yellow teeth; grey eyes.

Whispered sour nothings.

They came from darkness.

Slow descent of attic stairs,

Torn clothes, dead scarred chests.

They came from darkness.

Fingers: Beckoning.  "Join us.

Cursed, But not alone."

They came from darkness.

With one flick of loft light switch

They vanished from sight.

Glaring, naked bulb

Shone through my fierce fear haunting

Revealed only dust.

Later, I upstairs

Explored the memory space.

Boxes of other lives.

In the light, safety.

I smiled.  Relieved.  Began to laugh.

Then, they laughed with me.

The light dimmed to black.

Hands.  Breath.  My body held.  Squeezed.

They came from darkness.

Consequential Loss - Notes On A Radio Play And Autistic Theatre

I recently took the plunge and joined up with a theatre group for autistic people.  It's a pretty new group and the people there are varied.  There autism is as varied as they are.  What everyone shares is enthusiasm.

The core group meet currently for one day a week, being joined for the morning by a group from a local college of ESPA (Education and Services for People with Autism).  We have fun and are supported in what we do by two paid staff members who work more or less full time for the Twisting Ducks Theatre Company which is run for people with learning difficulties and (now) autism.

I feel very fortunate to be able to go and have fun with the people of Spectrum Theatre - the autistic child of the Twisting Ducks.  It is hoped that in the future some extra funding can be obtained which would mean that the work of Spectrum could develop a lot further.  Also in the near future there's going to be an eight week creative writing course - which we're really meant to call creative storytelling in recognition that there may be people on that course who have amazing imaginations but who can't write or can't write well enough to set down their fantastic stories on paper.

I'm also very fortunate in that the current funding obtained for Spectrum means that the day that's laid on for we autistic people is free of charge.

I've met some great people in Spectrum, all autistic and all experiencing joys and trials that accompany our condition.  And it's just one more way for me to open up to my own creative possibilities and the possibilities of others.  For now it is a place I will stay.  I make no predictions for the future.

Almost the first thing the core group were asked to do was to write a radio play.  Each of us would write, with the idea being that we will record the plays and put them out on a local community radio station.

I've written quite a lot in the past year, though not as much I would have liked.  But I've never attempted a play either from scratch or from adapting one of my crazy stories.

I have now written a play.  And then it had to be edited - the censor's pen had to be used.   The broadcasts would be daytime and I accidentally wrote something with adult content and language including rather more swearing than families would appreciate.  I'd written a late night show or something to adapt into a theatre piece with a 15+ age warning.

I've been my own censor though.  The fruity language has been removed or toned down and I wonder in places whether I've lost realism.  I've adjusted quite a few lines.  Watered down sex references and some imagery that the BBC controller would have banned.  I'm glad the actual plot is unchanged.  There's still the darkness and light, the despair, the betrayals, the hope.  I'm glad I haven't been asked to make the plot insipid

There's also the matter of religion.  One of the characters is a religious homophobic bigot.  I can write religious bigots.  I know the subject first hand!  The character is quite extreme but I've known people who are equally extreme and equally nasty about it too.  I thankful I didn't get quite that bad myself in my own years of religious homophobia.  I think that the character worked as I wrote her.  She's still there too.  She's surviving the censor.  But her language and bile is a little mellowed.  I also considered the intended audience and wondered whether they would be up in arms about my attack on the Christian faith.  It's not really that of course, just an attack on a particular manifestation of the faith, the version that names people like me as abominations.  For a late night broadcast or a theatre I'd let it stand.  But not for this intended broadcast.  So I've taken pains to point out that not all Christians are like that.

Since the broadcast will be in Newcastle I've pointed to a few of the churches here in which being queer won't result in the preacher abusing you or consigning you to hell for your sexuality and gender.  Who knows?  Perhaps someone will hear it who is a Christian and is queer too but hiding the truth and fighting against themselves through guilt.  Just as I did.  Perhaps someone like that will hear and something will be planted in them that helps them seek out a place where they can live their faith in more freedom.  I can live in the hope that a radio play might do some good.

I've deliberately kept the scenes simple.  Deliberately linked them with narration from the main character.  I think, as a first attempt at writing a play, it has worked out well.  Unfortunately I now want to re-edit it to put some of the fruitier language and imagery back in and have two versions of it to play with.

Each of us in that core group has written a play.  They are as varied as we are.  I've ended up being the only one of us to include nothing from the realms of science fiction and fantasy.  Much as I love those genres - and need to get back to working on my post-apocalyptic dystopian novel - I've ended up firmly rooted in the real world.  The other plays are each filled with their own surprises and it's a good thing that they are such contrasts from each other.

My first scene was initially written at a Spectrum session.  We were all told to write a scene.  One simple idea popped into my head and it just flowed with hardly another conscious thought.  Two friends meet in a cafe.  One confesses to the other that she is having an affair.  She was having it with a man named Graham.  But as I wrote his name my pen paused, almost the only break it gave to my writing hand.  My pen considered its options.  Crossed out the word Graham.  And wrote the word Erica.

Since that day I haven't made any enormous changes to the scene - just a few, arising from details the characters gave me about themselves as they wrote the rest of the play for me.  It's always nice when people can hardly believe that I've just written something from scratch in a writing session.  That happens sometimes.  Other times I can hardly write anything at all and any words that get miserably scrawled should really only be filed in the embarrassing section.

I hope that writing the play has taught me something about the process.  Something I can put to good use later.  I hope too that it will give me a little more confidence in writing conversations.  I never used to include much in the way of conversation because I didn't think I understood the rules of conversation well enough to write one.  I hope that this play is a step on the path to being able to write realistic and engaging talk.  I don't think I'm there yet.

Sometime soon I'll probably post the whole play here.  Unless I go crazy, edit it more and try and get someone more professional to record it.  That's always a possibility.

So, onwards with Spectrum.  See where it leads.  I'm guessing it may throw me in a few surprising directions.  And I'm happy with that idea.

A Letter To The Telegraph About Autism and Special Interests

A letter to The Daily Telegraph.  I'll explain it afterwards.

Image taken from the page mentioned below

Dear Sirs,

I read with interest your article of June 12th regarding the difficulties of being autistic.  I note that the article was written by someone who is not themselves autistic and am dismayed to see that his portrayal of the autistic experience was overwhelmingly negative.  I am writing to you as a happy autistic woman in order to correct this portrayal by focusing on a positive aspect of being autistic.

Being autistic is a trial.  No doubt about it.  You wouldn't ever look at us and say, "Wow!  I wish I was autistic too."  Not with everything we go through.  Your article was right.  The autistic experience can be excruciatingly difficult.

But it can be a great joy too.  People talk of autistic ecstasy and that's a thing.  It's real.  For me at least, and I choose to focus on the joy.  When I can.  Sometimes that overwhelming overloading collapse of everything within takes over.

I'm not going to list the joys and the total fun I have.  I just want to tell you about one aspect of it.  You see, we autistic people tend to focus in on things.  When we find that particular thing our brains scream out, "Wow! Wow! This is for me!" and then we don't ever let go of it and seek to find an everlasting corridor filled with more and more and more of it.  It's not an obsession.  Oh no.  Not quite.  We call these things our special interests.

We all have them and we discuss them too.  Join an autism group and inevitably the subject will arise many times because we like our special interests and there's always this part of us wondering why everyone doesn't share them with us and why they switch off when we infodump at them.

So.  Imagine the online conversation.  Me?  I don't have to imaging.  It's already happened.

New member:  Just out of interest, what are everyone's special interests?

Old members:  Trains.  Helicopters.  Tapestry.  My Little Pony.  Or, and these are all common, Nazis.  Serial Killers.  Murder.  And darkest of all, weather forecasting.

They read about these things.  They know everything.  Collect ponies.  Become meteorologists.  They don't actually become serial killers of course.

Then it's my turn.  They ask me, "What are your special interests?"

Me:  Fraud, bigamy, and highway robbery.

You read that right.  I should explain though, clarify a little.  Because while fraud and bigamy are true and perfect special interests, robbery is just a hobby.  It makes me happy.  After a hard day, when autism has given me problems and my brain feels like it's going to implode and explode at the same time, after those days there's nothing better than popping out for a bit of highway robbery.

Being outside helps me.  Under the bare black night sky when the rushing clouds call to me or the stars send messages that it's all going to be okay.  I'd be out there anyway, even without the robbery.

And I say all this in the groups.  Explain how I get a thrill from all the logical steps you need to successfully get away with fraud.

I talk too about how you need to be very careful when indulging in a spot of bigamy.  Or biandry.  Polyandry really because right now I have four husbands on the go.  James is alright.  But the other three are complete shits.  I'm looking forward to divorcing them but it's a complicated business and I have to follow all the logical plan perfectly.  I love logical plans.  They make me tingle inside.  It's hard to get a worthwhile divorce settlement from your rich shit of a husband when you're not legally hitched in the first place.

Sometimes the things I say produce less than positive reactions, even in an autism group.  I don't know why.  I mean, trains and My Little Pony?  How dull can you get?  But I don't moan when people are into weird things.  Some of those people don't grant me the same respect when I'm sharing my happy things.

Fraud, bigamy and highway robbery.

Talk about autistic ecstasy!

Pointing a pistol at a tourist and demanding their cash and valuables.  Now that's ecstasy.  You wouldn't understand it.  Unless you're autistic too.  I would ask therefore that all future articles you publish about autism would be more positive than the one I read this week in order to reflect the deep wonder we can find in this world.

Yours Faithfully.

Ann Meders



On June 13th I attended a writers' group.  The subject of the morning was female highwaymen, or highwaywomen depending on your preference.

During the course of the session an article was read about several of these women.  If you care to read it you can find it here.  One of the sentences reads, "Alongside highway robbery, Ann Meders born in 1643, made fraud and bigamy her special interests."

That was enough for me.  Out of all these women, the bored and the desperate, out of all their deeds, I couldn't leave that sentence behind.  Hence the above letter.  It was actually free written in the cafe as a monologue.  I've altered it a little to make it a letter, but only as far as necessary.  Ann Meders was hung at the age of thirty.  I think my fictional autistic Ann would get into trouble too after sending that letter.

I will stress that while I have my special interests, and while special interests do get discussed sometimes in groups, I do not share the interests of Ann Meders and I haven't seen Ann's interests raised.  I've seen all the others she mentions in her letters.  They're real.  But I haven't seen anyone plotting how to defraud their illegal husbands.  I also have no good reason to claim Ann as an autistic woman or to place a seventeenth century highway robber in the position of being able to join online autism groups.