Days of Gratitude - Lent and Love, Autism and the Buddha.

Here's more from the Sunday Assembly Newcastle gratitude group.  I'll be honest.  I can't see the group lasting out the year in any meaningful manner.  It keeps getting quieter.  Obviously it's hard for people to be consistent in posting things they are grateful for.  It's quite a discipline but I hope people are finding gratitude anyway regardless of posting on Facebook.  It's a shame that the majority of people who signed up for the group - and the challenge of the group to post every day - haven't posted anything at all.  I'd love to be seeing the varied things people have in their lives to be grateful for.

And even I have been missing days.  I missed February 29th.  Never mind, I missed that day for the last few years too and can guarantee to miss it for the next few years too.

So that's February over for another year.  It's not been without surprises.  At the start of February I didn't know that I'd intentionally be taking a break from church and I definitely didn't know that I'd be coming to some conclusions and making some decisions - not that I know what those decisions really mean yet.

I think a post is needed about church:  About the reasons why I joined 26 Februarys ago and the reasons why I am now half way through my Lenten fast from church, a fast that feels more like a feast and certainly nothing like a penance.  I am missing seeing the people.  But I am missing precisely nothing about the actual church services.

In fact, at this point - day 24 of the 46 of Lent - I am feeling better for not being there and it's quite a relief not to be at church.  It's a great church.  No matter the direction my life takes, I won't stop saying it's a great church.  So on Sunday I was talking about it with someone who is now considering going along.  But it feels good for me to not be there.

The two links at the end - I recommend them.  I loved the art and the complete works of the poet are now high on my wish list should anyone want to buy me a present of a book!

Picture: Two large tea mugs

23^rd February

Grateful that Amanda will be home soon and we will be able to share the experience of a large mug of masala chai.

One more day with her before I return to Newcastle, to wife and child. But grateful that it won't be too long before I come back here.

Picture: A View across Wayoh reservoir

24^th February

Grateful for a day out with Amanda. £1.70 each on the train to get to this place and walk. It started snowing as we got off the train at Entwhistle. But just for a while.

Really good to get out of the city, away from the haste and noise.

Picture: Large Purple Buddha wall hanging

25^th February

Grateful to have my own bed and bedroom tonight. Back at home with family and everything that is my life here.

It's been wonderful being with Amanda. I'll be back there with her very soon. Now there is a week and a half to ask questions about my life and my direction, to do some joy bringing things, and maybe take the odd risk and see what happens.

Picture: A Wrist with bracelets including Autistic Pride bracelet

26^th February

Grateful that I was able to put self care above respectability today and leave something when it was getting too much rather than stay and cause myself bigger problems.

Grateful to have recognised my sensory overload early enough to be able to act and get myself home without it becoming an issue of not being able to get myself home and/or personal safety.

Grateful to have managed to divert myself from self insults for not being able to do something and to know that I'm worthwhile regardless of all the things I can't do or can't do reliably.

And grateful for the person whose wrist this is, the things we share, and the things she teaches me. She is a big part in my having been able to do the above today in looking after myself.

Picture: Gorgeous love art with quotation by Rumi

27^th February

Tough day. Tough year. Grateful to have made it and that there have been so many good things in the last year. In about an hour it's my birth time on what was my birthday until I moved it last year.

Grateful for new friends in the year, greater self understanding and a diagnosis, for freer spirituality, and for love in my life.

Picture: View of Wayoh reservoir through the trees, photo from Amanda

28^th February

Grateful for the SA today. Really hard to be out today but grateful to have managed it and actually proud of myself. And happy that I still know all the words to Birdhouse in your Soul.

Grateful for family. Grateful for the friend who was here last night and today and for what we share.

Grateful for the photos Amanda sent today of the week's visit. Grateful for such good memories.

And grateful for things that popped up on Facebook today.
 

Such as this album of art.

And reading about this poet who I had not heard of.

Days of Gratitude - Drums, Darkness and Castles in the Sand

I've got behind with the gratitude blog.  So here's the first of two weeks of my Sunday Assembly gratitude diary.  There have been some really bad days and some really good times too.

I missed a day somehow, February 20th.  Much to be grateful for that day.  I left home and caught the 7am coach to Manchester to stay with Amanda for five nights.  I can't tell you now what we did with the day.  I think we just spent it together doing simple things.

February 20th was also the 26th anniversary of my becoming a Christian in good born again, pray the "Sinner's Prayer" style.  I was going to write a blog post about that before the day but it didn't happen.  That seemed apt.  A post about that period of my life and the reasons that I became a Christian at all - especially apt considering what's going on in my life right now regarding faith and the fasting from church services that I've undertaken for at least the period of Lent.  I've now missed church intentionally three Sundays running and that's not happened at any time in those 26 years.  Roll on the fourth Sunday of missing church!

Picture: Packet of Galaxy Counters chocolate

16^th February

Struggling for today. Bad day.

But grateful that I managed to get out and see a friend even though I did spend part of the evening on the floor pressed hard into a corner by the door, nonverbal and unresponsive.

Grateful that she helped by squeezing my head hard from both sides. The effect of that is amazing. And grateful that she bought me this little care package. 

Picture: Colourful painted Celtic drum

17^th February

Grateful that I had enough spoons to get to the crazy shamanic drumming session today. Great people, and the homemade soup afterwards was excellent.

This isn't the drum I was using but it's one connected to the woman who leads the group. She has quite a lot of drums and an ever increasing collection of other instruments.

Also grateful for the NHS. As part of medical gender transition I have to be injected with an implant every 12 weeks. If I had to have a private prescription I wouldn't be able to afford it. It can hurt for many days unless you're lucky but it's free and it does what it's meant to.

18^th February

Very hard day. I had to admit that I'm not up to something that I had major hopes for and had to contact the people helping me and say that I'm pulling out. I really wanted to do this. It's a damn good idea too. But my head isn't right for it. I'm so called "high functioning" but that doesn't mean any day is easy. It means for me that every day is hard and while I'm intelligent that doesn't necessarily mean that it will ever translate into life skills.

Grateful that the course/business mentors were really nice about it but today it's pretty much impossible not to burst into floods of tears thinking about it. It's a win. Being able to find gratitude when it all seems to fall apart yet again. I never used to be able to do that.

Grateful that it might mean I am forced to take an even harder look at my life. Work out my strengths. Spot the things that this autistic brain isn't ever going to manage. Find suitable passions. And adjust life and hopes for the future accordingly.

Grateful too that I have now cleared out enough clothes so I could put my clothes away!

Picture: Three CDs by Pink Martini

 19^th February

Grateful that today is a lot more positive than yesterday.

Grateful to find these 50p CDs in a charity shop.

And very grateful for what's happening tomorrow. But that is tomorrow. 

Picture: Three soft toys, a dog, a unicorn and a warthog

21^st February

So grateful to be here with Amanda. We met six months ago today. Of all last year's surprises, she is the biggest.

Grateful for these three new friends all bought for me by Amanda.

The dog is called Nine Friends. Nearly got called Near Twin due to being the near twin of Something Else.

The unicorn is still in need of a name.

Amanda bought me the warthog today. It's called Got A Warthog, but the inflection is important.

Picture: Two very cool people with ice cream

22^nd February

Grateful for a day with Amanda.

Eating Creme Egg ice cream in Southport.

Building sand castles in Formby.

Just being together.

In relationship the very ordinary becomes extraordinary.

Sand castles made with beach set from Poundland, and a beach tree.

More Complete Bullshit About Vaccines and Autism

So this lovely image popped up on my Facebook wall today.

Now, this is me.  I can't resist sometimes.  So I just had to respond.  It's probably much blunter than it should be.  A politician wouldn't use words like bullshit.  They would say "In due respect to the right honorable gentleman, he is perhaps misinformed."  Because in politics you're not meant so say "You're talking crap mate, and here's why."  But I'm not a politician.  I'm just a normal autistic person.  And stereotypically, we are not noted for our tact!

There's a ton of information about this subject online, sound information.  I really should read a lot more of it and get it all in my head so I don't have to look anything up.  I should read all of my books on autism too.  I received my first book on the subject just a year ago, an early birthday present from a friend who thought it would be good for me in exploring my own self.  It was.  The book was "Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate" by Cynthia Kim.  Her blog, which is no longer updated, is Musings of an Aspie, contains loads of good material.  I recommend it highly for those who want to know more about autism or are looking into the possibility of diagnosis or what to do with a diagnosis.  Now I have very nearly a shelf of books on the subject.

So.  My tactless response.

This is bullshit.

Please give details of ALL cases where the US government has compensated people for "vaccine induced autism" since 1986.

Can't do that? Okay then. Give me just TWO cases. Just two.

Wow. You can't do that either?

That's because it's bullshit. And there are not two cases to be found.

There was ONE case, just one, in which there was compensation for "autism like symptoms" but that child was later diagnosed with something else that caused the symptoms, a mitochondrial enzyme deficit. (damages awarded to the family of Hannah Poling in 2008)

The previous year saw the start of the omnibus autism proceedings. The claimants, the family of Michelle Cedillo, went to court after being convinced by ex-doctor Andrew Wakefield that MMR caused their child's autism and through a "Defeat Autism Now!" conference. The judgement ruled that the evidence was overwhelmingly to the contrary and that they had been misled by medical professionals.

In fact, a total of zero autistic people or the their families have been compensated for so called "vaccine induced autism."

Zero.

Yes, zero.

Now can you please stop sharing this total garbage.

I await a reply.

To read more about autism omnibus proceeding, look here, a clearly written web page.  It even has a link to a complete transcript of the trial if you have a lot of time and obsessive interest to spare.  For a scientific, medical view on the Hannah Poling case, there's this.  Then there's this, an article published a few days ago, on the lack of a link between MMR and autism as proved in a study involving 95,000 children.  And for reading on ex-doctor Andrew Wakefield's article that claimed a link between vaccines and autism, you could do worse than this from the BMJ.  To summarise: the article was fraudulent.  Not a surprise.  Wakefield has been called the "father of the anti-vaccine movement."  As such I believe he has a lot to answer for.

People still want to believe even though the evidence is very clear.  This site for instance has nearly 400 articles about Andrew Wakefield.  They say autism is man-made, environmental and can be cured.  They still believe that vaccines cause it.  And yes, they're very into "Autism Awareness Day" too, a day that needs eradicating because we need "Autism Acceptance Day" and then "Autism Celebration Day".

It's understandable people want to find a simple cause for autism.  And it's understandable too when people want to seek a cure for their child.  Because, there's no doubting it, autism is bloody hard work for parents.  It is.  And without decent support it can be easy to despair or look for ways out.  Unfortunately often that support is not available and parents are left to deal with everything themselves.  They love their children and give them everything they can but the honest truth is that it's exhausting.  Without proper education and support and celebration of their child by society it's only natural that parents might want a way out.  Chapter two of Neurotribes, by Steve Silberman gives an account of such a family and all the things they tried - and the reasons why - and how they came to embrace and celebrate their autistic child and how they feel about all the things they tried that damaged their child, including their own involvement with "Defeat Autism Now!".  It's sobering reading but such parents deserve much compassion at all stages of the journey.  These are good people, trying their best.

Days of Gratitude - Freedom and Friends. Failure and Falling.

It's time for another blog post with entries from my Gratitude Diary from the Sunday Assembly Newcastle group.

There have been good times and tough times.  Today my head has rather fallen apart and just getting through the day feels much like swimming through quick drying cement.  I need to be doing things.  And I just can't do them.  On days like this it's important to be able to remember the good things and to know not only that there will be good things again but that even on the bad days there are good things.  If they are "good" and "bad" at all - are those words just value judgments or are they objective realities?

What a difference from yesterday when my brain worked and I was able to be out and pretty free and even the noise in the pub and cafe and main street was not too much.  It took some work but I could do it.

And what a difference from a month ago.  A month ago today - as mentioned in the gratitude diary - this happened.

It was a day on which we did nothing very special together.  Ordinary things. And it was very, very wonderful.

A day on which just being together and holding each other on a beach as it snowed and the tide came in was a heaven.

But not every day can be heaven.  Many of my days are like this one when my head can hardly function.  These are days of "Yes, this is really very hard, I really am disabled, and I do need support."

Thankfully, not every day is like this one and there are the days and moments of wonder and free joy too.

Image from http://emilysquotes.com/

9th February

Tough day mentally.

But grateful to have had the spoons remaining to get out to something this evening.

And grateful for a feeling I had while I was out: Freedom! It's a commonly used image - but it is like a massive weight and burden has been lifted.

Yes, that's related to yesterday's grateful post which I copied as a blog post yesterday too. Get the word out! Tell people what's going on. And get pretty much no reaction (yet) from church people. (Eight words from the pastor and a response from someone I specifically asked about it)

10th February


Grateful for the little things on random doors, walls and windows at Broadacre House. Anyone else read the haiku on the 5th floor?

Also felt grateful last night because the days countdown until I am with Amanda dropped below 10. At last. Single digits are easier to cope with. 9 1/2 days to go by the end of yesterday.

These words are on a wall by a lift door at Broadacre House.  Sometime I need to do blog some photos taken there during the last six months.

11th February

Get in early today. Grateful that in the next hour this lot will be collected for charity. Loads went to the tip at the weekend too.

Truly we have a super-abundance. What we are clearing is far more than a lot of people could ever dream of owning.

Maybe it's time to learn to use this abundance better. For joy, people, relationship, love, creative passion, for being all we can be. All the things I think God is, rather than god being an omnipotent bloke with impressive facial hair. My heresy has very much in common with committed atheism!

12th February

Totally failed to get to a social event tonight. Not for lack of trying. She left a crucial piece of information out of her address.

But the view over Newcastle from the Trinity Square student accommodation was worth seeing.

 
And though the lights and escalators are too loud in different ways, it was good to look at the art at Gateshead Metro.

For anyone interested, the mosaics are by http://www.bbc.co.uk/arts/yourpaintings/artists/keith-grant

13th February


Grateful that somehow I mustered up some extra spoons today and got out when all I felt like doing was sitting on the bed.

Grateful that when I was getting severely overloaded in town I decided not to go straight home but to go and see if a cafe I'd passed was quiet enough for me to cope with.

Grateful that it turned out to be a very cool place. Very cool.

(My grateful post contained more photos but since I've already written about the cafe I'm only including two photos here.)

14th February

First Sunday of Lent. No church. Because this is my Lenten fast. Not just to stay away from church but to explore the physical, temporal and inner space created by no church. To learn to walk more in my own freedom.

No church, but the Shamanic Sound Journey tonight was quite stunning. Grateful for the person who said they were going - which meant I spotted it - even though they couldn't get there in the end.

And making that conscious choice to let go of church, at least for a while, possibly much longer, feels so liberating and absolutely the right thing to do.

It was the last of these journeys because the person leading it moves away tomorrow. I could moan and say "Why didn't I know about this sooner?" The truth is, if I had known, I wouldn't have been ready to be there.

Anyway, grateful for tonight. And grateful, so grateful, for being able to intentionally choose
differently than the circular habit of so many years.

The lovely changing colours light at The Vault, Wallsend

15th February

Having a day when my brain was deciding to behave and shine and smiles could fall out and even the noise and haste was reasonably easy to cope with.

Meeting a friend at Tea Sutra. Great time. And I spent rather longer with her than planned discussing all kinds of things.

Also great that she's a stunning Christian friend of the kind who cheers and gives big hugs when she learns I've given up church at least for Lent. Glad and fortunate to have met her last year in unlikely circumstances.


(Tea Sutra addicts will not that this picture was not taken yesterday. But it was taken from the spot I was sitting yesterday.)

A Visit to Vamos! Social Club, Newcastle Upon Tyne

I wasn't feeling that good today and didn't want to leave the house.  And the weather ... the weather had been less welcoming than I would have liked.  A walk by the sea would have been nice.  But a walk by the sea in heavy hail and sleet wasn't particularly appealing.  But the weather improved and I forced myself out.

In the city centre I was heading into sensory overload.  Not pleasant.  But rather than go straight home I decided I'd wander past a cafe I've passed before, walk through the door and see if I could cope with sitting there and having a drink before fleeing the busyness of Newcastle.

I am so grateful that I chose to do this.  Grateful enough that this cafe trip was my entry for the Sunday Assembly gratitude group today.  Forty-four days into the year and so far I've only missed one day.  Possibly I'm the most obsessive poster of gratitude there.

Vamos!  It's great.  And it's currently not busy at all during the day.  I guess they make their money from the evenings and the events that are run there.  In fact for the majority of time I was there I was the only customer.  That's a pity because they deserve more custom but the location isn't conducive to people accidentally finding the place.

It's on Market Street in the centre of Newcastle in the building that also houses Breeze Creatives, directly opposite Broadacre House.  Opening hours are Wednesday to Saturday from noon until two in the morning.  For more official information, their facebook page is regularly updated with all the events that happen there.

There was music playing.  It wasn't quiet but it wasn't excessively loud.  Today I could cope with it.  The music sounded like Cuban dance band music along the lines of the Buena Vista Social Club.  Whether it was Cuban or not I have no idea but it was that style.  And that made it easier for me to cope with than other music because the percussion is well, percussion, so there isn't a pounding bass overpowering everything and the rhythmic structure is more interesting than an average pop or rock track.  Plus I happen to like the Buena Vista Social Club.

I ordered a drink.  There is alcohol available and hot drinks but today I fancied Fentimans Rose Lemonade which a lot of places don't sell even if they stock Fentimans drinks.  And then I gave into temptation and ordered a bocadillo, a Spanish sandwich, with good spicy sausage, grilled onions, and rocket.

And I sat and soaked in my surroundings.

The view into the cafe from the very comfortable sofa I was sitting on.

The view out of the cafe from my comfy sofa.  The top of the Laing Art Gallery can be seen in the centre of the reflected cross.

Almost obligatory picture whenever anyone creates a blog post about a cafe.  Table photo with my drink.
















And then I wandered round the cafe and took more pictures.  Lots more.  These are some of them.  It's a really cool place.  It deserved to be photographed.

What better way to relax in Newcastle than on a tropical beach?

Behind the bar.

Sunken seating area in the centre of the cafe.

Looking across the sunken area towards the bar.

Art.  There is much art in Vamos!  And even a little photography gallery.

Where there are dull concrete pillars, let there be much paint applied.

Love this.  It's behind the record decks used for club nights.

Love this too.  Frida Kahlo portrait.

So I left.  More relaxed than when I entered.  I'll go back again and sit and drink and enjoy the atmosphere.  Maybe there will be evening events I want to go to too.  Sometimes there is very cool live music.  I know that Hannabiell has played at something there and I want to get to see her at some point when my brain allows such things.  And one of the people working there and preparing the place for tonight told me that there is a meditation group there every week.  That's worth trying too in the very near future.

As I left I looked back into the cafe at where I'd been sitting.

Farewell Vamos.  I think perhaps this signage is right.  I did reach my destination:  My destination being any great place that I can sit quietly and relax, read and think.

On Not Liking and Not Sharing the Autism Speaks Teddy

This has appeared on my Facebook wall today.  It was shared by a very nice woman who of course only meant it for good.  Of course that's the case and I am not criticising her.  I know her to be a good woman who tries her best for everyone.  Let's face it, not so long ago if I'd seen the photo on my wall I'd have probably shared it too, a little gesture to help people be more aware of autism.  Because on the face of it that's a good aim to have.

And without some autism awareness people aren't to know that this is totally not the sort of awareness we want to be spreading.

The last year has been a steep learning curve for me and one of the things pretty much everyone said to me when I started reading about autism online and when learning to accept that I am autistic was a simple phrase.  "Avoid Autism Speaks."  (Apart from the people who implied I was an idiot or bad to even be wondering if I could be autistic.)

So I had to comment.  Bluntly.  I had to try to stop the progress of Teddy.  It's not Teddy's fault.  Poor Teddy.  They're a cute bear who has been recruited against their will.  If the bear could speak they would cry out "No! I don't want to be used this way!"

I'm posting it here partly because I believe in it and partly because the links below are pretty good and worth reading and if I don't blog them I'll lose them.  The letter from organisations like ASAN and the blog from thecaffeinatedautistic are far better than anything I'd be writing myself on the subject.

___________________________

Sorry, I can't like or share that. Because I am autistic.

So. To spread some awareness:

It's an Autism Speaks blue bear. You probably don't know about Autism Speaks. I hadn't heard of them until a year ago. I think they're really very horrible. They have so often stood in the way of the rights of autistic people and have usually not allowed autistic people to have a voice or any say in how the organisation is run.

Here's a letter signed by The Autistic Self Advocacy Network and a whole load of other good groups:

 

http://www.boycottautismspeaks.com/why-boycott-1.html

This information page is clearly written and has sources for everything:

 

https://thecaffeinatedautistic.wordpress.com/new-autism-speaks-masterpost-updated-62014/

This wiki page is pretty good too and has lots of links at the bottom to nice people.

Yes - I've ended up with some strong opinions!

_____________________________

To be honest I don't think autism awareness is enough.  I am pushing for autism acceptance, just like everyone in the autistic rights movement.

That word map is excellent.  It comes from a really good website about autism acceptance and which calls, as I now do, for an autism acceptance month rather than an awareness month.  It's another site that is well worth reading.  It also has links to some great material on other sites and autism blogs - and the links change regularly.

Six Months Ago - Positives, Gratitude, Hard Days and Craziness

I've been looking back at old Facebook posts this morning.  And there are things that I'd completely forgotten about.  Six months ago someone inspired me to write five positive things a day for five days.  I ended up writing them for ten days - the days immediately before Autscape, which was itself filled with positives.

The days contained so much good.  And so much bad.  Unless good and bad are just labels we apply to things and not a reality in themselves.  I've added in a few of the photos taken in the good of the days.

Six months ago I was into some quite crazy stuff.  And then I pulled away from it because of my mental health and because living in the security of habitual living was easier than living in the possibilities of craziness.  I think now I am returning to the crazy and this time I might be ready to lay aside the habits.  Time will tell. 

Six months ago today was day three of the positives.  Yes.  Six months ago today I helped plan and then officiated at a pagan dog funeral.  That was such a strange and happy day.  I need more of them.

OK. Someone inspired me. So here goes:

Day 1 of 5 positives.

1. Spending the evening in a healing environment with some rather wonderful people.
2. Eating too much of the chocolate banana bread that Beth cooked.
3. The words received in meditation tonight.
4. Learning that there is a mantra/prayer with the gorgeous name Ho’oponopono.
5. The unlikelihood of having met the person who inspired me and the way Spirit arranges these things.

Very little sleep. Haven't been able to go to the sacred drumming and have spent time collapsed on bed crying my eyes out because the sensory crap is just so damn painful today. All out of spoons today. So this is going to be a challenge:

Day 2 of 5 positives.

1. The friends I've met in the last two years.
2. The books I'm sharing this bed with.
3. The partial relief gained by sticking in Alpine MusicSafePro earplugs.
4. An unexpected decision made about placing tattoos on my wrists.
5. It's been hard work getting to number five but this is just a bad day, not depression and not despair. This - on bed, alone, only semi-functional, with earplugs - is so much better than things used to be when writing lists of positives every day as part of a self-harm support group and some days sitting for an hour and struggling to come up with a list of one. Of course there are many other positives - the roof over my head, having Beth and Kit, abundant water from the tap, the sunlight, and so much more.

Here goes. Far later than planned.

Day 3 of 5 positives. Ooh, they're positive today.

1. Helping to write and then co-officiating at a pagan funeral for a dog owned by some people I've never met before. I kid you not!
2. Spending so much time outside in quiet places and getting mildly sun burned arms.
3. Lying, deeply relaxed and content, in the grass on the route of an old railway while H sang Wiccan and Sufi chants to me.
4. Sticky toffee pudding and cream in the house of strangers and gluten free steak pie in the house of a friend.
5. The sheer unexpectedness of the day and the joy and laughter shared, even on the day of a funeral and that this list could extend a long way today. On days like these it is so easy to so much love my life and how different much of it is to how it used to be. 

Positives. Day 4 of (unspecified number)

1. The completely unhealthy indulgence of eccles cakes covered in left over clotted cream from last night.
2. Being so massively touched by part of "The Dying of the Light" (the last Skulduggery Pleasant book) even if I may be emotionally scarred for life by the trauma caused by what happened!
3. Giggling repeatedly at just how unexpected yesterday was and how different life is than I could have ever planned.
4. The deep love I have for certain of my friends and the joy that knowing they exist brings to me.
5. Spirituality is becoming light-filled and joy for me rather than an excuse to continue to chastise myself and live with guilt or shame.

Positives. Day 5 of however many, written while unreasonably stressed about a missing phone.

1. Buying a nice Celtic knotwork ring in Tynemouth for 50p.
2. Sitting out on rocks near Tynemouth, proving that it's possible to be completely alone at a tourist seaside place in August, chanting and praying and generally getting on with nature.
3. Being lent some books. Obviously someone thinks I don't have enough to read already!
4. A surprise phone call when I got to Whitley Bay resulting in a total change of plans and time spent with a friend by a river (which may now be home to my phone).
5. The feeling of tiredness having walked from Tynemouth to St. Mary's lighthouse before going for a walk.

Positives day 6 of 5

1. Church tonight and completely losing it in giggling fit during the service. Pub after church with friends.
2. The friend whose photo is on the facebook wall immediately under the box I'm typing this in. Love you.
3. I have my phone back and the hug from the friend who returned it was a wonderful hug. Love her hugs.
4. A happy afternoon with another friend, sitting in the deliciousness of Tea Sutra and wandering being a tad insane with her before meeting the friend mentioned in 2.
5. BUS PASS! Wow, so excited. Impatient too because it can't happen yet. But I learn it will be able to happen. Bus Pass. Bus Pass. Wow. Wow. Wow. Hallelujah. Now wondering if another friend knows about this.
6. The number of friends mentioned in those positives. And now I'm home and my family are here. As is another friend.
7. Blimey, when did life start to get good?

Positives: Day 7 of 9. Minor geek edition.

1. Sense8 got renewed for a second season. We walk with pride!
2. Beth says she's going to buy me a Leeloo multipass toy.
3. Person of Interest season 4 awaits me.
4. Skulduggery Pleasant. All of the series. All of it. And that the three of us are going to the Derek Landy talk and signing in a couple of weeks.
5. The hope that Star Wars episode 7 will adequately compensate for episodes 1 to 3. I can live in hope, even if it's unrealistic.

That's enough of that because there has been good on this quiet day. Being outside early this morning. Getting important financial things done and only having to pretend to be my aunt twice in order to get them done. So many good things to be thankful for. And things most of us take for granted - like automatic washing machines. 

Crappy head day. When the social and sensory is massively draining before it even begins. Nyah. Nyah. (But not Nyan. Cat. Not that cat.) But. Here goes.

Positives: Day 8 of 10

1. Daniel Barenboim is playing piano for some Beethoven with the West-Eastern Divan Orchestra. 'Tis stunning. Love Beethoven. Love Barenboim.
2. Spending time with a friend. Long text conversation with another friend. Friends. And that there are very special ones. The ones with whom the connection runs so much deeper for me than family.
3. Tea in Tea Sutra. Of a variety that the staff pretend to be able to pronounce but they never pronounce it the same way.
4. The name of Valkyrie Cain. And that I'm getting closer to working out my own name. But not my true name. Wouldn't want that of course. At least 4 friends will know what that means!
5. The book Everyday Meditation by Tobin Blake. Among the best £1.50s I've ever spent in a charity shop. So glad to have come back to it, each day with it is a pleasure.

Brain fog, foggy, foggety, fogged.

But the lights that unexpectedly penetrate fog can be incredibly beautiful.
So the plan is to enjoy the lights when they appear rather than spending all the time shivering in the dark and chill of the inner fogginess.
And then the wind will blow and the fog will clear and the greater light will warm and heal.
Blessed be.

Get 'em in early today. Positives: Day 9 of 10.

1. All the overload symptoms earlier were complete horrible (swear words) crud to cope with. But they don't last forever and concerted self care means crisis level has been reduced to "Danger, Will Robinson" level and that feels SO much better. Things DO get better.
1b. Ear plugs. Silence. Closing the door of the room.
2. The jar of lemon curd I bought in Scots Gap last week.
3. Only 117 pages left of the last Skulduggery Pleasant book so I can finish it before going away.
4. Today's sunshine and warmth.
5. The anticipation of the Autscape conference this weekend and the talk and book signing in ten days time. Anticipation can be a wonderful thing.

Positives: Day 10 of 10 It's the final count up.

1. The day improved greatly. Felt so rubbish this morning and everything was still too loud and cried quite a few times. It's much better now.
2. Walking this afternoon with a friend at Shafto and at Bolam Lake.
3. The carrot and coriander soup that friend bought me from somewhere.
4. This: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9R3IchTZBENine days until we go and get the (signed) book.
5. My counsellor/guide from White Lodge when I was sixteen, who has just published some wise and relevant words.
6. That this is the final day of these positives because tomorrow I leave for the Autscape conference and that's exciting. And it's the unknown too so that's a bit daunting. 

One Day of Gratitude - A Big Decision For Lent

This is today's post in the Sunday Assembly Newcastle gratitude group.

 

Normally I've been collecting them for a week and then blogging them - for my benefit though I know there are people appreciating seeing them too.

 

But this is a biggie.  Not a big gratitude thing.  But a big decision.

 

And if I post it here, now, publicly, then it becomes more of a reality than if it just stays in my own thoughts.

 

I could write rather a lot about what's going on in my head.  This time, just for once, I'm not going to.

 

People will react in a variety of ways to this.  Or they might not react at all.

 

 

Gratitude Diary - 8th February

 

 

 

 

Apologies. This is a lot of text. And you now have a church photo in a godless group!

Today I am grateful for a decision I made, half in jest last night and in all seriousness today.

MCC has been my church pretty much since I came out as transgender, got banned from preaching in one place I had joined and got called an abomination by the pastor of the other place I'd been going to. But I've been having faith issues (for much longer than I care to admit) and what Church and Christianity used to give me (the centre of my life and reason to keep living) it doesn't give me now. It's a long story.

Anyway. Decision. Since Lent begins on Wednesday I've decided to do the done thing for once and give something up:

 

I have decided to give up church services for Lent.

This break should give me some space to find out what life might be without the reassurance of church, without the habit and safety of it. And without some chosen break that's not something I was ever going to allow myself to discover.

So today I've booked up to do something else next Sunday night. It's still crazy spiritual stuff. But it's very different. A lot more free. And it's the kind of thing that doesn't impose a story that has to be believed.

Making this decision and booking to do something different feels good, liberating. But after (very nearly) 25 years of church and Christianity being central to me it's pretty scary too. Hey ho. Others at SA have taken similar steps. And some will look at my decision and would say Hallelujah, if they had a Jah to say Hallel to.

I think at some point soon I need to find some very wise neutral person and have a serious talk about my life. That person will need to be carefully chosen or just turn out to be a completely obvious choice.