But the confidence boost mentioned still holds. I am absolutely bright about the future and absolutely certain that I will be able to do more than I imagined. I am also very pleased that I'm not basing this on an obsessive enthusiasm but on a bit of insight into how I function and how I dysfunction.
A while ago I was hoping to do something and it was something important to me. But I pulled out because I didn't think I would be able to do any of it. In part that was my mental health going through a bad phase. In part it was panic at the thought of each aspect of it. In part - Amanda thinks, probably correctly - it was demand avoidance. No, I haven't got PDA but I can see similarities between that diagnosis and the way my head words.
What September 21st teaches me, alongside experiences in Edinburgh and a few other things recently, is that I can be involved with this project. It's not my baby any more. I passed it on to others. But there is space for me to be involved. It took everything in my mental power to even get to the first meeting of this project. As the second meeting approaches I am firing not on all cylinders yet but on many of them and I know - yes, I know, that I can do a lot more than I thought. I've just got to convince the world of this!
September 21st
Grateful for the confidence boost in the morning when attending a training session about autism which I was in no way entitled to attend. Yep, I completely wasn't meant to be there! Photo was taken afterwards.
And grateful to just about still have the mental ability to get out later and sing. Looking forward to the next rehearsal if I can make it. [yes, I could make it. It was last night and it was excellent.]
September 22nd
Grateful to have got some jobs done, some of which have been waiting to be done for a long time. Part of my executive function skill problems means that things don't get done. It's not laziness. And it's not procrastination. I always thought it was. Grateful to have discovered that there's actually a reason why my brain is like it is. Grateful that discovery means that in time I can find realistic ways of dealing with it all and so function a lot better.
The photo represents electricity. One of the jobs was switching our energy supplier. I knew we weren't on the best tariff from our old supplier, the Cooperative. But I didn't know just how rubbish it was. The prediction is, if we use exactly the same amount of energy in the next year as the last year, switching will save us just over £700.
I am pleased. And also shocked to have been paying nearly £60 a month more than we needed. Every single day I delayed and wasn't up to doing the job cost us nearly £2. Blimey!
September 23rd
Grateful to have got lots of jobs done including writing a pretty stonking follow up email from autism training on Wednesday.
Grateful to have gone and sung in the evening with people I've never sung with before. I don't know whether I will again but it was worth doing.
Also grateful that my mental health assessment went well and she is going to at least try to refer me somewhere that might be of some earthly use to me. CBT is NOT a possibility. Hoorah.
The photo is the only one taken in the day. It's not good! Jesmond in bad light on the way to the singing.
September 24th
Grateful to have known that it was okay to leave something in the morning when I wasn't coping well.
Grateful that this left time to take Blob Thing and Winefride on an adventure.
They had a wonderful time and didn't get eaten.
And having completely mucked myself up later in the day, grateful for a decision about self care - assuming I can manage to stick to it for once.
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