Monday, 28 March 2016

Days of Gratitude - Hindu Gods, Ambition and Anniversaries

Another week of my posts from the Sunday Assembly gratitude group.  Life is good.  On the worst of days life is good.  In the past week I've had days on which I haven't been able to leave the house.  Those days will be in the next gratitude blog post.  But even for those bad days I can find gratitude.

Yes, life is good.  It really is.  And for me it's so much better than it ever was, because I have become more free and keep seeking to break out of the prisons in my own head that have walls built over decades.

I struggle a lot and sometimes worry that what I'm posting doesn't actually reflect my life.  It's the rose tinted spectacles version maybe.  Sometimes I mention that it's hard - one of these days is a real mention.  But it's not all fun and games and photos and ice cream and happy smiling Clare.  Oh no.  Some of it is hell.

But life is good.  It is.

Life is hard. With this head it's very hard. It truly is. Most people don't understand quite how hard it is. But it's good. And I realise that to a large extent it's good because I have chosen to make it good. And it's improving because I have chosen it.

And when you make that choice the universe looks at you after a while and says, "Hey, she must enjoy a good life because she's chosen it, so we're going to send a few more good things to her."

When we mope in misery (which I've always been good at) the universe thinks that we enjoy being miserable so after a while cooperates with us by sending some more misery for us to enjoy.

Of course we all have our troubles but I'm learning that if we choose the good, more good comes our way through "coincidence" and random connections than if we don't choose it.

16th March

Grateful that after playing the piano I can close the lid and reveal these tiles. Grateful for having the piano too.

I know it's a godless assembly, but here are a bunch of gods! But as one Hindu said, "We have 10,000 gods but not one of them is divine."

17th March

This week I've been massively social for me. Or at least I've tried to be. It costs me so many spoons even if I want to do it and love the people. (Except for a couple of people who cost no spoons because they are safety.) Arranging it and preparing my head for it wears me out lots.  If I go out of my way to meet socially with someone it generally means they are really important to me.

Nevertheless, I arranged to go out on three occasions and meet with people. All three of them pulled out on the day for different reasons.  It's nothing personal.  They all had good reasons.  But changing plans is also very costly for my head.  And building myself to be social and then it not happening costs me a lot.

I am grateful.

Not for repeatedly trying and failing to have a social life. But because I am really proud of myself. Because I didn't then just sit at home but went out anyway and did things on each of the days. For me, that is something big, something that's very hard work.

 Today: A walk down to the Tyne and then to the Baltic and Sage and back over the High Bridge in stonkingly gorgeous Spring weather. So glad I managed it. This is such an amazing place to live.

And I took too many pictures. Many more than these.

18th March

Grateful that thanks to Megabus I can get to Manchester twice this month.

Grateful for the love we share and for the silliness and the freedom too.

 19th March

Grateful for our trip to the seaside.

For doughnuts, for double ice cream, for chips, for the freedom of riding on a Victorian carousel, and for more double ice cream.

The simple things can be the best.

Image: An awesomely cool person sitting on ambition
 20th March

Grateful for this stupendously super friendship.

Grateful to be spending these days with someone so awesomely cool.

21st March

Grateful for a really good day with Amanda , the last for a while. Seven months since we met.

Grateful for all the people you can learn about at The People's History museum, without whom all of our lives would be far less free.

And grateful for carer free tickets which meant our trip to the theatre last night only cost £4 each. Photo taken while waiting for the bus afterwards.

22nd March

Grateful to be home again and with a few things to look forward to. Grateful that my time away was so good. I have quite a lot of problems but I really am very, very fortunate.

23rd March

I guess it would be odd to not post this for today.

Twenty years ago, this happened in a church in Aberystwyth.

Twenty years on, we are both very different.

And though I have put her through so much - especially with my mental health but other things too - we are still here and she has not walked away.

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