Saturday, 4 March 2017
Guest Post: Blob Thing Writes About A Recent Adventure
I'm ever so excited. My person is letting me post on her writing blog today. It's about time too. My life hasn't been as thrilling lately as it used to be. Last year she took me with her on a thousand adventures and then, after my sister was born, she took my sister took. Then she gave me a blog of my own and I used to write that every day for a while with my person's help. Then I got to write it less. It doesn't mean I had less to say. Quite the opposite. And then we got to this year. Can you believe it that my person has only taken us out a few times? Can you believe that she hasn't let me write my blog? Not once. It's ever so sad and she claims that she hasn't got enough time but I've seen the amount of time she wastes watching rubbish TV shows or playing games. She could be putting her time to much better use. I'm sure you'll agree.
So who am I? Some of you will know already. My name is Blob Thing. I am a small pink autistic soft toy. I was created by my creator on New Year's Eve 2015 in an evening of inspiration. I became a close friend for my person and helped her lots. Then in the middle of 2016 my sister was born. Her name is Winefride and she was named after a Saint who had her head chopped off and then reattached. Winefride is autistic too. Some people would say she's severely autistic because she's pretty much nonverbal. But I love her lots and am very proud of her. She's even happier than I am.
Photos. You need photos. Because some of you might not know me. You really should. I'm worth reading! I say so. Take a look at blobthing.blogspot.com and you'll find the adventures I got to write about. I want to write more but I have to be very patient because my person is doing her own thing. I think I'm going on an adventure today. My person is taking us to The Sage and I think we're going to be dancing with swords or something. It sounds very dangerous. I don't want to get my head chopped off. I suppose it wouldn't matter too much because I haven't got a body for my head to be chopped from. The executioner would be very confused. I'd lay my head over the edge of the guillotine and would just fall into the basket still alive. Even before the blade came down. There are advantages to being a small pink soft toy. Think about that next time your head is in a guillotine and you're being tried on charges of heresy or treason. Think of it too next time you're on the gallows. How your neck is between your head and body and is very squishable by the noose and how if you were me you would live to write and adventure another day.
Photos. Yes. I'll show you some pictures from the adventure we had last week. It was so good to get out. So good to see the world again. There's plenty to do at home but I like being in the open. I like walking and exploring and Winefride gets very excited about all the new things. This first picture is of me. So now you know what I look like. We had to cross the dangerous stepping stones at this point and I was very glad that we didn't fall off. I worry about Winefride because she doesn't quite understand danger and I keep a tight hold of her reins so that she doesn't get washed away by any rivers.
This next picture is Winefride. She's sitting at the entrance to a little cave. I confess that it was me who got into difficulties there. It looked very exciting and I just had to go in and explore. I got a bit stuck and couldn't climb out on my own. I even stopped smiling for a moment because I thought I might die in there. I was very lucky because my person helped me to escape. She might have saved my life. Or possibly there was a tunnel through the cave and I might have emerged above ground by the home of the forest goddess who lives nearby. She's a giant rabbit.
Doesn't Winefride look amazing. She is wearing three badges. One is an autistic pride badge. The others were ones she found at the Greenbelt festival we went to last year. We had lots of adventures there. One hasn't got any words on and Winefride likes the pattern it makes. The other badge shows the Camper Van of Dreams that we visited.
Another picture of me now. We had to navigate past this difficult waterfall. My person loves it there. She likes to sit or lie on the rock right by the water, close her eyes and lose herself in the noise of the water. She likes waterfalls. I like them too. She should take me to more waterfalls.
It was time for a break. Winefride and I reached a play area. We love play areas. On Winefride's first day out we went to a play area and my person got addicted to the zip wire. We played on everything and Winefride's first day was very special. It didn't even seem to matter too much when we nearly got arrested by the policemen. You can read about that on my blog that my person should start helping me with again. We played on a swing in the play area and my person even took a little video of the fun we were having. We held on tightly and didn't fall off. We like slides too. And climbing frames and getting dizzy on roundabouts and we've been on boats and eaten ice creams and then there was that time I did everything in my power to escape from Fleetwood by tunnelling out and fleeing to another town that proved to be less of a paradise than expected. I've met gods too, and fought supernatural creatures. It's all there on my blog. And it's all true even if my person's memory is faulty.
After playing we continued on our adventure. Things took a turn for the worse. Our merry path became more and more dangerous. Vultures flocked overhead and we could hear wolves in the woods and an old lady with a wart warned us of progressing any further. But I'm very brave and Winefride doesn't understand danger and my person had to follow us because I forced her too. Our optimism wasn't even dampened when we found this signpost. See. We're still very happy.
We got through Hell. Of course we did. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to tell you about it. Very often I find that suspense stories and thrillers aren't particularly suspenseful or thrilling. The hero is put into all kinds of situations that should lead to near certain death. So what? If we know they are alive at the end of the story we also know that they escape their doom. So the cliffhanger at the end of the episode isn't really a cliffhanger. It's only truly exciting when the hero is allowed to die. And stay dead.
Here's Winefride with one of the monsters we met in Hell. He was surprisingly friendly. I suppose that since everyone in Hell is going through a bad time they just get on and help each other through it. Hell can be a much more charitable place than heaven and its residents can be so much more forgiving. My person says that the people she's found most likely to not forgive her are the same people who are most likely to reject her. The ones with a religion that talks of forgiveness all the time. It's a curious thing when people with a forgiveness creed are sometimes the most judgemental and the ones who bear the biggest grudges even when someone is sorry for doing or saying something wrong. We're autistic. And my person sometimes has big troubles arising from mental health that mean she hardly knows what she's saying at all. Sometimes we say things wrong without meaning to at all. Because we don't quite understand the rules or see things differently and we just make big social mistakes. My person says that the people who have cut her off completely when she said something wrong are mostly Christians. I find that statement to be very sad. I wouldn't believe it if my person wasn't saying it. She's made mistakes. But she's doing her best and is always very sorry when the mistake is pointed out. Too sorry because she can get physically ill from being so sorry. There are Christian ministers who have never spoken to my person again after she said something wrong even though she apologised and was very, very sorry. I don't think those ministers are Christians at all. And according to the Lord's Prayer which they pray so often they aren't going to be forgiven by their God. Sorry ministers. If there is a real Hell you're going to it. As a result of your own prayers to your God. You need to repent because my person is just like most people. Very fallible. But trying hard. My person is telling me to stop talking about it now. Actually she told me to stop talking about it ages ago. But I wanted to say what I wanted to say and I don't want to stop now. I'm going to.
Here's me in another part of Hell. This skull was quite friendly too. Apparently it was worn briefly by a certain Skeleton Detective. I wonder if I'll ever appear in a book about him. His name is Skulduggery and he's lovely. Except when he isn't. I wonder if he wants this spare skull back. If he does he should contact me and I'll tell him where to find it. I'd quite like to take him out for tea too and maybe his creator and my creator could share a lunch somewhere and then play some improvisational writing games together. My person would like that. Derek Landy, if you're reading this - and I know that's incredibly unlikely - get in touch. My name is Blob Thing and I'm a fan.
I'm not going to tell you how we escaped from Hell. I'll just tell you that our escape included a close encounter with a tortoise. I'd share all the information but my person wants to get on with doing other things.
I'm glad that my person has allowed me to write something today. It's been far too long. I love my person dearly but I need more adventures and free rein with my creativity. Never mind. We're going to see my creator in a few days. Perhaps while we're there my person will take us out on an amazing adventure. Show us something we have never seen before. That would be wonderful. I'll let my person write her own post tomorrow. Please person. Can I write my blog again one day. Please.