A Quick Pilgrimage Pt 1 - St. Mary's Chapel, Jesmond, Newcastle

You know those days.  Normal days.  Days when you head into town to wander or shop, or just to get out of the house for a while and be somewhere different.  Days when you're travelling in on the Metro - or the bus, because most of you don't have a Metro to travel on.  Days when the Metro stops at a station.  And you suddenly decide that going to town isn't the best idea and that what would really suit at that moment is to make a quick pilgrimage somewhere.  And so you get off the Metro, or the bus, on the spur of the moment.  And you walk to a pilgrimage site.

You know those days.  Doesn't everyone have those days?

Now in my case I'm fortunate.  It can be a quick pilgrimage.  Because a short walk from Ilford Road Station is Jesmond Dene, a place I've visited quite often but not yet blogged about.  And above Jesmond Dene is a site of pilgrimage.  So it's easily accessible for me.  This is no fifty mile pilgrimage walk to a shrine hidden in the wilderness.  Or a well planned trek to Santiago de Compostela  This is easy.  It's the lazy person's pilgrimage.

Nevertheless, of the two pilgrim spots I'd only ever been to one before.  It was only quite recently that I learned exactly where the other one was.  Destination one was this place:

I walked to it a different route than I'd done before.  To save time.  Yes, it's really the lazy person's pilgrimage.  I took the road route, which is normally a quiet road but at present it's much quieter than usual due to being closed to traffic.  From the main road to the chapel I only passed one person.  Nearing the chapel you come to the Banqueting House.  You can't just walk through the door.  But it does look amazing inside I hope that the place does get restored and put to good use.  Take a look through this video from 2011, walking through the front door and down to the hall.  On the wall of the banqueting hall is this, the coat of arms of Newcastle.  Pop quiz:  Where would you find the oldest known image of those three castles still in existence?

On to the chapel.  I took lots of pictures.  They are all taken on my cheap Nokia phone, with no editing except a bit of cropping.  My phone isn't good at colour - I'm sure that coat of arms isn't at all pink.

An information board out side the chapel reads as follows:

St. Mary's has been a place of pilgrimage for centuries.

A holy relic, perhaps linked to the Holy Virgin, was once housed at the chapel and pilgrims came from across the land to worship here.  Relics were sacred remains such as saints' bones or fragments of the True Cross brought back from the Holy Land.

Miracles are reputed to have taken place among the sick who visited the church and the nearby holy well.

It is said that Pilgrim Street, in the centre of Newcastle, was where pilgrims lodged on their way to this holy shrine.

In 1479, a rector from Yorkshire left money in his will for pilgrims to travel to the four most holy places in the kingdom.  His list ranked St. Mary's Chapel in Jesmond alongside the great cathedrals of Canterbury and St. Paul's in London.

There's lots of information about the site online.  Try this from Historic England, or this local site, which has photos taken on a sunnier day and with a decent camera.

The chapel is worth visiting.  If you're ever walking up or down Jesmond Dene take some time to walk up the hill and see it.  It doesn't take long.

So there you go.  Just days after announcing that I'm leaving my church I find myself on pilgrimage to a ruined chapel.  And to a holy well too.  But pictures of the well can wait until the next post.  I've also taken pictures of Catholic piety - all the little shrines that people have created on the sites, the holy items they've left behind.  Those too can wait for another post.  I like such things.  When I was a Catholic I too was known on occasion to leave holy items - prayer beads usually - at a shrine.  I'm sure it was of more benefit to me than to either the shrine or to God.  God doesn't need these things.  But maybe some of us do.

Days of Gratitude - International Transgender Day of Visibility

Just one day from the gratitude diary.  I confess I wasn't that visible on this day.  I can't be too visible unless I go out and then I am visible.  At least I think I am - I do get stared at a lot.  A friend had a competition with me to see which of us gets stared at the most.  I won.  We don't really mind though.  If people stare at us then it is a worry to them not to us.  Let them stare.

I did manage to get out in the evening.  I'm quite proud of that because the day was hard.  I ended up on the floor, crying.  My head wasn't doing well.  But I went out - to an introductory talk with practical exercises on the subject of scrying and similar things like the use of flames and pendulums.  People use them for divination of all kinds of things but I am a sceptic.  I am very doubtful about these things.  I think they can all be used though as an intuitive tool to get in touch with the answers we already know, with our inner selves.  They help us to move out of our heads and away from all the blockages and rituals we have in our heads that stop us finding answers.  As that kind of tool I think these things can be really useful.  Not that I use them much.  But personally I haven't seen good evidence that they could be used to foretell events or reveal anything that we don't on some level know already.

Yes. Getting out was hard but I did it.  Yay for me!  Anyway.  My gratitude diary post.  And I really am grateful for being able to be me.

31^st March

It was International Transgender Day of Visibility.

As a trans person in the UK who finally came out in 2013 I have a lot to be grateful for. A lot. I am in a situation where most people I meet respect me for doing this not reject me. (Some people did reject me and it hurt at the time but life is better now.)

We have come so far. The law has improved. Media portrayals have improved. We're not always the butt of the joke any more, that frequent punchline of "Eugh, disgusting, you accidentally fancied one of THOSE." Our stories are being told. Lots. This day was even covered in The Metro, with stories from several trans people. For the majority of people, at least in this area, it's almost a non-issue. Clare is Clare. People are people.

Visibility is important. Without all the trans people who have dared to be visible and open we would not be where we are now.

But we have a long way to go. I don't think I know a single trans person who has transitioned or is transitioning and who hasn't received quite a lot of abuse for it, mainly verbal, sometimes physical.

The law doesn't give full equality yet. Health care and support is still inadequate. Some of the churches and other religious groups treat trans people horribly.

And in other countries things are much, much worse. It takes a lot of bravery to be visible at all in some places. Where going out results in prison or a high risk of being murdered. Where there is a lot more hatred.

I am grateful. Because I have been able to stand up and be Clare not him. Because my life is so much better as a result of doing it. Grateful for the people who did it before me, who often struggled far more than I had to.

Their struggles paved the way for where we are today.

Days of Gratitude - The Bad Days and a Sudden Autistic Theatre

Three more days of gratitude.  There have been some really awful days recently with my mental health.  In the space of a week there were three days on which I couldn't go out at all because my head just couldn't cope with it.  And another day on which I couldn't go out in the day and then forced myself out for the evening even though I felt so bad.

It's not all walking by the sea, dancing, and generally having a good time.  The 26th from the last post was a rubbish day and the positive entry was written the following morning.

And then there's this day:

28^th March

One of those days in which my head falls to pieces and I get up already with zero spoons to spare. Which perhaps isn't surprising after yesterday. A great day but hard for me. Getting out in the evening was stunning but it took a lot for me to get out and do it. And lunch time included, without even any warning, a high pressure version of "You must have eye contact and join in with the enforced eye contact" which just isn't something I can cope with. (I couldn't join in at all and only just managed not to either walk out or meltdown.)

Yeah, today was bad. Very bad for a while. Life with this head isn't easy.

Grateful that today is one day, not every day. And that even in the bad days there is light and there is blessing and there is the knowledge that good days will come again.

 (Photo taken in Manchester Art Gallery)

 

29^th March

Grateful that the bad days can be survived and that love is still real. Grateful that I was just about able to get through most of my electrolysis appointment without total shut down or too many tears. Much rocking afterwards.

Grateful for the screensaver on the laptop which puts up photos randomly, all of which were taken in the last 8 months and remind me of good times, good people and of one very special friendship that means so much.

30^th March

Opening my emails at 6.17pm and finding that the theatre had reserved me a ticket. For a show at 7.00pm. I got there in time.

The show was written and produced by Spectrum Theatre, a group of young autistic people from the area. And it was about autism and the experiences of an autistic person.

Given that Friday is the start of Autism Acceptance Month (please don't "Light it Up Blue" anyone, please, the origins of that campaign are rather dodgy no matter how good individuals who participate may be) this photo will do.

Days of Gratitude - Fun is Banned. Cybermen and Leaving Church.

Another four days from my gratitude diary.  This one contains something big for me.  The entry for March 26th is life changing.  It feels like I've ripped out the thing that has been at the core of my life and my reason for living.  It's been there for 26 years.  And now it isn't there any more.  There's a gap and it's a big one.  In time that gap can be filled with things that mean more to me, things that inspire me with a greater love and passion for life.  Or it might turn out that having a gap is okay, that it doesn't need to be filled.  Or maybe even I will find out that there isn't a gap at all, just the unfamiliarity of loss and the grieving process that accompanies it.

24^th March

Grateful for a random cyberman on a wall in Newcastle.

25^th March

Grateful for the stunning weather and that I was able to be out and enjoy it.

Grateful too for conversations with my magic friend and for all that we have come to share.

26^th March

Grateful for the journey. Eleven years ago tonight (for Easter was the same date in 2005 as 2016) I was received into the Catholic Church. I thought I had come home, found the answer for the rest of my life and the most "proper" version of Christianity.

This is the end of my official fast for Lent - fasting from church services. And I am grateful to have been able to give myself the space for it and grateful for the discoveries I've made over the 46 days.

After 26 years, it looks like my journeying as a faithful part of various churches is over. Lent showed in stark clarity how little it was giving me and how much it was costing me.

I am very grateful indeed. Easter is, if nothing else, about new life and new hope. It's about resurrection. It's about dying to the things that don't serve us. It's about walking away from darkness and into a greater light. It's about being set free. It's about forgiveness and an end to condemning ourselves.

I could preach and Easter sermon now and I think it would be a good one! Anyway, I am grateful. Because this Easter I walk into light, into freedom, into self-acceptance, into new hope and away from what had ceased to have any meaning or benefit to my life. A new day is dawning. Hoorah!

(photo not from now but from sunrise on December 27th last year)

27^th March

I saw this on a wall near where I was heading tonight.

Grateful that I ignored it and had a great time doing something I have never done before.

That something was 5Rhythms dancing.  Except it was Live Rhythms because there were musicians playing live for all the music.  And it was wonderful.  I will be going back and doing more.

Days of Gratitude - Hindu Gods, Ambition and Anniversaries

Another week of my posts from the Sunday Assembly gratitude group.  Life is good.  On the worst of days life is good.  In the past week I've had days on which I haven't been able to leave the house.  Those days will be in the next gratitude blog post.  But even for those bad days I can find gratitude.

Yes, life is good.  It really is.  And for me it's so much better than it ever was, because I have become more free and keep seeking to break out of the prisons in my own head that have walls built over decades.

I struggle a lot and sometimes worry that what I'm posting doesn't actually reflect my life.  It's the rose tinted spectacles version maybe.  Sometimes I mention that it's hard - one of these days is a real mention.  But it's not all fun and games and photos and ice cream and happy smiling Clare.  Oh no.  Some of it is hell.

But life is good.  It is.

____________________

Life is hard. With this head it's very hard. It truly is. Most people don't understand quite how hard it is. But it's good. And I realise that to a large extent it's good because I have chosen to make it good. And it's improving because I have chosen it.

And when you make that choice the universe looks at you after a while and says, "Hey, she must enjoy a good life because she's chosen it, so we're going to send a few more good things to her."

When we mope in misery (which I've always been good at) the universe thinks that we enjoy being miserable so after a while cooperates with us by sending some more misery for us to enjoy.

Of course we all have our troubles but I'm learning that if we choose the good, more good comes our way through "coincidence" and random connections than if we don't choose it.

16th March

Grateful that after playing the piano I can close the lid and reveal these tiles. Grateful for having the piano too.

I know it's a godless assembly, but here are a bunch of gods! But as one Hindu said, "We have 10,000 gods but not one of them is divine."

17^th March

This week I've been massively social for me. Or at least I've tried to be. It costs me so many spoons even if I want to do it and love the people. (Except for a couple of people who cost no spoons because they are safety.) Arranging it and preparing my head for it wears me out lots.  If I go out of my way to meet socially with someone it generally means they are really important to me.

Nevertheless, I arranged to go out on three occasions and meet with people. All three of them pulled out on the day for different reasons.  It's nothing personal.  They all had good reasons.  But changing plans is also very costly for my head.  And building myself to be social and then it not happening costs me a lot.

I am grateful.

Not for repeatedly trying and failing to have a social life. But because I am really proud of myself. Because I didn't then just sit at home but went out anyway and did things on each of the days. For me, that is something big, something that's very hard work.

 Today: A walk down to the Tyne and then to the Baltic and Sage and back over the High Bridge in stonkingly gorgeous Spring weather. So glad I managed it. This is such an amazing place to live.

And I took too many pictures. Many more than these.

18^th March

Grateful that thanks to Megabus I can get to Manchester twice this month.

Grateful for the love we share and for the silliness and the freedom too.

 19^th March

Grateful for our trip to the seaside.

For doughnuts, for double ice cream, for chips, for the freedom of riding on a Victorian carousel, and for more double ice cream.

The simple things can be the best.

Image: An awesomely cool person sitting on ambition

 20^th March

Grateful for this stupendously super friendship.

Grateful to be spending these days with someone so awesomely cool.

21^st March

Grateful for a really good day with Amanda , the last for a while. Seven months since we met.

Grateful for all the people you can learn about at The People's History museum, without whom all of our lives would be far less free.

And grateful for carer free tickets which meant our trip to the theatre last night only cost £4 each. Photo taken while waiting for the bus afterwards.

22^nd March

Grateful to be home again and with a few things to look forward to. Grateful that my time away was so good. I have quite a lot of problems but I really am very, very fortunate.

23^rd March

I guess it would be odd to not post this for today.

Twenty years ago, this happened in a church in Aberystwyth.

Twenty years on, we are both very different.

And though I have put her through so much - especially with my mental health but other things too - we are still here and she has not walked away.

Days of Gratitude - Awesome People, Art, and the Sacred Harp

Catching up.  Another eight days of gratitude.  Except I missed a day because Manchester was so busy and I didn't have time to think of posting.

8^th March

Grateful to be heading to Manchester today to spend a couple of days with Amanda.

We met 200 days ago. When I got up 200 days ago I could not have imagined her, or being so close, or sharing what we share. When I got up 198 days ago I had the hope that a solid, long-lasting friendship would develop. Totally grateful for those days.

 (isn't she awesome?)

10^th March

Grateful that it was five years ago today that we moved to Newcastle. Grateful that we made the crazy move when it wasn't in our list of possible options. I could write lots on why it's been a good move and how many of the good things would have been pretty much impossible had we stayed in North Wales.

These photos were taken just before we left Wales (brown door house) and just after we arrived here.

The kitchen photo is the last taken of me in the old house. The lounge is the first taken of me in the new house. 

It's fair to say I've changed a bit! And that the changes aren't over.

11^th March

Grateful for the awesome time I had in Manchester and for something unexpected that happened.

Grateful though to be home and that this parcel was waiting for me. I have a drum.

12^th March

Grateful for entertaining books received in the last week.

And for the meditation group and lunch today. Hoorah for things that are free!

13^th March

Grateful that, though it was damn hard, I got through this morning's appointment without a full blown panic attack or meltdown. Just.

Grateful for spending rather more money than expected on water colour paints due to the accidental (oops) addition of two lots of pens, water colour pencils, glitter paint, a large glitter set, sketch pad and pencil sharpener that is NOT going to get borrowed and then get lost. Grateful for the masking fluid and paint pens bought yesterday too.

When Clare gets a streak of enthusiasm she over does it!

14^th March

Grateful to see the Tyne and the sea today even if I didn't take many pictures.

Grateful to have been able to put my clothes away tonight having cleared out thirty tops. The wardrobe is still full.

15^th March

Grateful for having the energy and mental well being to get out and sing in the evening. Grateful too for not too many wrong notes even though it's a while since I sang this wonderful stuff. 

For anyone in Newcastle, people sing from this book and sometimes other similar songs every Tuesday evening in the Bridge Hotel from 7.30 to 10.  It's free and there are copies of the book to borrow and sing from too. It's sung in various places across the country - as detailed in this list.  Go on, try it.  You might find a new love and get excited about the sound of it and the experience of singing in such a way.  Or you might hate it.  But that's okay, you won't have spent lots of money finding it out and you'll have still experienced something new.  For some more information about this book and the shape note singing tradition look at http://fasola.org/

I first encountered the book when a man named Robin Fox led a singing school at the Fylde Folk Festival in Fleetwood in the mid 1990s.  I loved it and bought myself the book.  The book then sat on the shelf for a long time as I did not encounter shape note singing again - it doesn't happen near Fleetwood or Bangor.  But not long after we moved here I saw a poster advertising a singing school and since then I've intermittently been singing again.  Hoorah!

Days of Gratitude - Persimmon, Piano and a Preserved Human Hand

Wow!  I've got behind on this.  At the start of the year I joined the Sunday Assembly Newcastle gratitude group.  There aren't many of us left but I'm still there and haven't missed many days of posting something for which I'm grateful.  But I've got behind on blogging my gratitude diary.  I'm doing this primarily for myself, so I can look back at some of the good things of my life when I'm having a bad time.  And sometimes the times are very bad.  But I know that some other people enjoy this too and a few are even inspired by it.

So it's time to catch up.  Tonight, the first week of March:

 1^st March

Grateful for the meds that gave me enough head space that I could go out for a while today. Grateful that I was rewarded with books to buy.

Grateful to have been able to make noises with guitar, piano and voice tonight even if the improvised, never to be heard again, song on the guitar was a little strange. This photo may be a repeat. I should remember to take pictures every day.

Grateful for the CD currently playing of the Jacques Loussier Trio playing Vivaldi's Four Seasons. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLvt5thCPQo

And grateful, so damn grateful, that some dreams don't come true. 

2^nd March

Grateful that Grainger Market had these today. Didn't think I would be seeing persimmon, or kaki fruit as they called them, for quite a few months.

A friend is jealous as she has been even more addicted to them than I have.

 

3^rd March

Grateful to have been given some guidance tonight. Especially as it totally matches what I already knew.

Grateful for the brainwave to move something big from my bedroom into the spare room, and that I know that I won't miss any of the things I've cleared out today. At this rate the bedroom will become a more comfy place instead of a room made oppressive and tense by the sheer quantity of stuff and clutter.

 4^th March

Grateful to have got the best Metro seat travelling both to and from Sunderland.

Not sure if the other picture is a grateful but I am grateful that it was conversation tonight. I found I have a piece of linen blessed by the Holy Hand of St Edmund Arrowsmith. This is the hand in question. It's in a church near Wigan. Grateful too that my piety isn't traditional Catholic now, if my piety exists at all!

5^th March

Grateful that I have taken the plunge: I just ordered myself a bodhran.

It's a cheap one and it was ultra cheap because the ink on it is a bit smudged into the edges of the drum. But that seemed entirely appropriate because we already have smudging at the drum group I go to.

It may not be the last bodhran I buy but it's definitely the first.

Neighbours will be pleased that this bungalow is detached.

No photo, but after yesterday's preserved hand that may come as a relief.

6^th March

Grateful for drumming in the evening and for buying second hand books while I was there. Grateful for a quiet day at home before that. Very grateful indeed that an unwell friend was able to get home safely from London.

 7^th March

Grateful for rainbows. And sunshine.

The sun made this rainbow on my skirt as I travelled on the Metro this morning. And then this afternoon it shone through the crystal in the window and made rainbows on the walls.

When I am told that Autistic Pride is a bad thing

 The background:

 

A comment on Facebook saying that we shouldn't have autistic pride - or gay pride, black pride, Etc. - because pride comes from achievements not from something innate.  A comment that said that all this "pride" noise comes from people who see themselves as substandard.  A comment that said that after autism pride could come left big toe pride, skin pride and oxygen-breather pride and it would make as much sense.

That's an opinion.  And he's entitled to have that opinion.  And disagreeing with an opinion is not a judgement on a person.

 

But I'm the kind of person who is into the whole Pride thing.  I am transgender and I'm autistic and that's made life hard.  But I am proud of who I am and proud that I am finally learning to accept myself and be myself and that will lead to a better future.  And I'm so into it that I wear badges that say "Autistic Pride" and a bracelet too that was made for me.  So a short (by my standards) response to the comment happened.

I'm posting it mainly because it's part of who I am and I can look back on it here when I am feeling bad about myself or feeling low because of the latest social or sensory problem that's hit me or I've not managed some really basic thing due to a lack of EF skills.  That's a function of this blog for me, or at least it has been recently, that I can look back on the bad days and know that actually life is pretty damn good even with the difficulties I have.  If there were zero page views I would still post because it's worthwhile for my own well being.

 

Image taken from here. I'd be very tempted if I lived in the USA.

 

The off the cuff response:

 

I'm proud to be autistic (and queer and trans ...)

All of the various pride groups come from people being told they have to be ashamed of one aspect of who they are or told they are less than other people because of that aspect or are or have been discriminated against socially and/or legally.

We are proud to be these things because we've been told we shouldn't be. It's not because we see ourselves as substandard. It's because we've been told that we are substandard and we deny it, and continue to deny it and say that we're as good as anyone else and we're proud to be who we are in the face of having so much crap thrown in our faces by those who would put us down.

One of the definitions of pride in the dictionary is "conscious of one's own dignity." Yes. We're proud. We know our dignity as autistic people. Even though it's been a fight - and it still is a fight in some ways and in many places - to have our dignity accepted by others. We refused to have our innate dignity stripped away by society or individuals. Because we KNOW that we are different, not less. Autistic pride is autistic self respect. It's acceptance.

Well I'm proud anyway, regardless of whether anyone else is proud.

Left-toe pride? Skin pride? Oxygen breathing pride? Of course not. Because none of those things has been a cause for discrimination, bigotry, hatred, or anything else. Nobody has insulted me in the street for breathing oxygen. Have they insulted you for it?

Street Art - The Arches Project, Gateshead, 17th March 2016

There's a little area behind The Sage in Gateshead that's well known for street art.  It's not static, the pictures and tags change as the artists do more work.  It's The Arches Project which includes digital music, dance, set design and more.  It's worth wandering past The Arches if you're anywhere near The Sage and taking a look at whatever art can be seen.

No comments about these.  Except to say that I really love the one that's kind of a Russsian doll.  This is what could be seen in the middle of March this year.

Of course, I didn't know of this person.  Taylor Cusack was found dead in his home.  He was only 17.  If you want to read about him the Chronicle has this moving report about his death, his funeral and tributes paid to him. Yes.  Rest in peace Taylor.